The search for the friend

Do you ever watch people and see how they interact? I do all the time. Most of the time I end up comparing myself to them and I find flaws in myself. I ask questions like, why can't I be like that person. or why are people more interested in what they have to say then what i have to say. Even when the topic is about the other persons work, I find everyone draws to their conversation. Some people can just talk about anything and have everyones attention.

I don't find it that easy for myself. One reason is probably my speaking ability. it isn't that great and I have a hard time keeping a story going verbally. I lose my audience. I do get kind of slammed from time to time because I can't finish my words fast enough for the other people listenning. and that gets to me quite a bit. I never show it, but it sucks. Sometimes people just aren't patient enough to let the quieter guys say something.

So as a result, i keep quiet. and i only share and talk when in very small groups like one other person. i'm most comfortable with just one person because i know if i talk, they are listenning. most of the time.

Lately I have been probably annoying the crap out of some select people in my life. I try to see how their day went, and hope they ask me about mine. When i encounter something that just makes me want to share with someone else (stupid or not) I have been contacting a friend of mine. most of the time though, i think i'm more of a pain then a friend.

I guess i'm trying to find a friend i can turn to any time, any where. someone who will challenge me. someone who will let me challenge them. someone who will want to know me and let me know them. Maybe that is defined as a personal relationship, but I really don't want to go down that path. I just want a close friend who is always there. I know that won't last forever because when friends find someone, they eventually leave. its life. Things are never the same after they move on, even though they say things won't change. From my experience, things change more then people think they do.

I feel like i am back in the mind set that i was a long long time ago. I don't think i'm going to have kids or get married. if i do, cool. I'll give them everything in my heart. but i'm not going to hold my breathe on that happenning.

Life is made up of many obstacles and pathways. I think i've closed too many doors on myself and have made my nice yellow brick road into the grouse grind with a raging river flowing accross the path. and lego warriors shooting arrows as i try to cross. don't forget the flying dragons circling my every movement.

I have a long way to go to be who I feel I need to be. Currently I am working on saving up some money so i can start on some hobbies again. some computer programming if you were wondering. its been a long time, but i want to get back into it. i may have to take a few classes again to refresh some skills. but that is ok. The good thing about my current job is that i have tons and tons of free time where i could work on this hobby at work. maybe it will even pay off and give me a little extra income. we will see.

I have also been invited to go along to Thailand next year to visit kids in orphanages. it won't be cheap, but it will probably be a experience i won't regret. I'm not certain i'll be able to go, but i'll try to save up and see what happens.

so ya, i am going to try to just keep moving on in my life. if a very close friend is not in the deal for my life, i'll deal with it and keep moving forward. you never know whats around the next bend, right??

I am going to do my best to be who i am and never anyone else. Life isn't easy. sometimes though i wish it were.

Recognized by a stranger

On my day off, wednesday i do believe, I was walking downtown abbotsford on my way to the mall to do a few things when I was stopped by a younger lady. She spoke up and said "Hey! I haven't seen you in a long time how are you doing?". I was totally shocked and had no clue who this person was. it turns out this lady saw me when i lived in mission.

She asked me why she hasn't seen me lately so i told her i moved to Abbotsford about a year ago now. then she asked me if i knew her sister. when i graduated. where i graduated. she told me when she graduated and all about her school life growing up. She told me about how her bus pass for a year is only like 40 bucks a year because she has a disability. she talked about her favorite school teacher and where her teacher travelled to.

I stood and listenned to her for a good half hour. I am not the kind of person who will just walk away. I let her share and talk. she got into some pretty personal stuff too. but i think she just wanted someone to talk with and i was a familar face that she has seen around mission.

I just thought it was strange. she told me after that she just wanted to see how i was doing cause she hasn't seen me for a while. I guess people notice other people, just not everyone acknowledges it and lets people know.

You can't always get what you want ...

You know, that song was never one of my favorites. I grew pretty tired of it when I used to hear it at church or street church. I never liked the idea that i may not always have control over how my life plays itself out. I may want one thing, but get thrown another. Sometimes it was better, sometimes it was worse. As it stands right now, I am starting to come to sense that life can be a game of russian roulette. Its a shake of a die. You have to take the good and the bad that comes your way and deal with it.

Things started to seem like they were going really well for me. I was openning up more then i have in the past. I was getting closer to some friends then I have ever been in person. I felt like my life was starting to get on track. I started to look too far ahead. When you do that, you can get hit hard with the realisation that what you hope for may not happen in reality. Even though things seemed to be hunky dorry in my head, it wasn't the case for everyone in my life. I started to look too far ahead. I started to wish and hope it would work out how I wanted. I started to get jealous and i started to in a way try to live what I wanted.

Very bad idea! especially when I was not the only one involved. It was not as simple as I thought it was. When you have more then yourself involved, things become a lot more difficult. You have the thoughts and feelings of others to consider and watch out for. Sometimes those feelings of others do not exactly match up with your own. Sometimes its cause of poor timing, somtimes its just because of human nature.

You have to never assume your way is the way things are going to work out. You have to never assume anything. When you start assuming, you run into tons of problems and headaches. I have had many where i assumed things would get done, or i assumed everything was ok or i assumed the reason why someone didn't get back to me was because of (fill in the blank). But more times then none, i was totally wrong with my assumptions. sure sometimes I was right, but in reality it was a very low percentage. its best to just not assume and to just find out for sure. that way you will know for sure.

Let me get back to my story. To make a long story short, i ran into a wall. I fell flat on my face and i started to break down inside. All because things were not going how I planned they would. I had no control over how things were progressing or how other people felt. I started to think more about myself then those around me and that is just not me. Anybody who has known me knows that those close to me are number one to me. There is almost nothing i wouldn't do for any one of those friends.

I started to become selfish. I wanted what i guess was not what someone else wanted. its not the first time and it probably won't be the last, but I can still work on it and at least show myself that i am aware of such behavior. In my time of breakdown, i had so many thoughts going through my head. I was constantly thrashing myself for screwing everything up even though its probably just how things worked out. I contacted one person informally and that person really pissed me off with what they said to me. I was so upset, but started to think about what they said and felt they were right. i was a selfish bastard and i got what was coming to me. its not about me when other people are involved or when things go bad in my head. The other people involved are equally important if not more.

On my three hour drive or so, i started to think. What is friendship. Is friendship worth sacrificing when you can't get what you want? Heck no! is the answer. Friendship is probably one of the most important things in someones life. I know it is in mine. I have more friends now then i have ever had. Not all of them are extremely close, but those who are mean a lot to me. They each have a spot in my life that not everyone can be a part of. I try to be the best friend I can possibly be, i know i fail quite often but at least i try.

I then started to think about relationships. what is a relationship? its a friendship of meaning. its something that grows friends closer together to the point where true trust is involved. it doesn't neccessarily have to be intimate or exclusive to one person. its a way of saying, yes your special to me and I don't expect anything from you. In fact, here are soem dictionary definitions from Dictionary.com

friend·ship
–noun
1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2. a friendly relation or intimacy.
3. friendly feeling or disposition

re·la·tion·ship
–noun
1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

So ya relationship can mean more intimate too, but #1 and #3 stand out to me. an emotional or other connection between people. its a bond of friendship.

I started to feel so bad for myself that i failed to hold onto the relationship I already had, my friend.

I still have lots of questions that i want answered. Most of them involve how a intimate relationship transpires and the steps involved. but for now I will leave them be. they are all written down and ready to share with my closest friends when i feel the time is right. On those pages contain many personal questions as well as thoughts during my whole experience. Stuff that is too personal for public eyes.

I just wanted everyone to know that everyone has ups and downs. Its what you make of them that matters. Hold onto your friends. I am going to.

Experiencing wear

Have you ever felt like you are wearing thin? like you have nothing more to give?

I was thinking about this today when I was driving home with susy from mission after working on their travel trailer. When I first started growing up I was all to myself. I never let people get to know me. then I got the opportunity to help others. it was a way for me to direct my energy into something that made others feel accepted. It was awesome and I enjoyed every bit of it, but it soon took a backseat in my life.

I was starting to feel like I had nothing more to offer people. I was running dry. I wanted to focus on myself once in my life. In order to do that I had to give up what gave me joy. In order to grow you have to sacrifice. sometimes the things you have to give up ultimately hold you back from what you need most in your life.

I need independence. I need to feel like I have my life in order and that I make my own calls. I can't say i've been watching for signs from God at all. I think i've left him in the background right now. I know for sure that life is way more complicated and bigger than I could ever imagine on my own.

... I have to go to work right now, i'll try to continue writing sometime later tomorrow. ...

One year older and still ....

lets just say what has not been answered has still not been answered. i've met some new people, some are very cool. but i think its even tougher now for people to get to know who i am. i don't show it anymore to just anyone.

life still sucks at times, but there are positives. so i will hang onto those and keep motoring my way through life.