James Goudie

The search for the friend

2008-09-08T12:25:00.000-07:00

Do you ever watch people and see how they interact? I do all the time. Most of the time I end up comparing myself to them and I find flaws in myself. I ask questions like, why can't I be like that person. or why are people more interested in what they have to say then what i have to say. Even when the topic is about the other persons work, I find everyone draws to their conversation. Some people can just talk about anything and have everyones attention.

I don't find it that easy for myself. One reason is probably my speaking ability. it isn't that great and I have a hard time keeping a story going verbally. I lose my audience. I do get kind of slammed from time to time because I can't finish my words fast enough for the other people listenning. and that gets to me quite a bit. I never show it, but it sucks. Sometimes people just aren't patient enough to let the quieter guys say something.

So as a result, i keep quiet. and i only share and talk when in very small groups like one other person. i'm most comfortable with just one person because i know if i talk, they are listenning. most of the time.

Lately I have been probably annoying the crap out of some select people in my life. I try to see how their day went, and hope they ask me about mine. When i encounter something that just makes me want to share with someone else (stupid or not) I have been contacting a friend of mine. most of the time though, i think i'm more of a pain then a friend.

I guess i'm trying to find a friend i can turn to any time, any where. someone who will challenge me. someone who will let me challenge them. someone who will want to know me and let me know them. Maybe that is defined as a personal relationship, but I really don't want to go down that path. I just want a close friend who is always there. I know that won't last forever because when friends find someone, they eventually leave. its life. Things are never the same after they move on, even though they say things won't change. From my experience, things change more then people think they do.

I feel like i am back in the mind set that i was a long long time ago. I don't think i'm going to have kids or get married. if i do, cool. I'll give them everything in my heart. but i'm not going to hold my breathe on that happenning.

Life is made up of many obstacles and pathways. I think i've closed too many doors on myself and have made my nice yellow brick road into the grouse grind with a raging river flowing accross the path. and lego warriors shooting arrows as i try to cross. don't forget the flying dragons circling my every movement.

I have a long way to go to be who I feel I need to be. Currently I am working on saving up some money so i can start on some hobbies again. some computer programming if you were wondering. its been a long time, but i want to get back into it. i may have to take a few classes again to refresh some skills. but that is ok. The good thing about my current job is that i have tons and tons of free time where i could work on this hobby at work. maybe it will even pay off and give me a little extra income. we will see.

I have also been invited to go along to Thailand next year to visit kids in orphanages. it won't be cheap, but it will probably be a experience i won't regret. I'm not certain i'll be able to go, but i'll try to save up and see what happens.

so ya, i am going to try to just keep moving on in my life. if a very close friend is not in the deal for my life, i'll deal with it and keep moving forward. you never know whats around the next bend, right??

I am going to do my best to be who i am and never anyone else. Life isn't easy. sometimes though i wish it were.

Recognized by a stranger

2008-08-23T19:42:00.000-07:00

On my day off, wednesday i do believe, I was walking downtown abbotsford on my way to the mall to do a few things when I was stopped by a younger lady. She spoke up and said "Hey! I haven't seen you in a long time how are you doing?". I was totally shocked and had no clue who this person was. it turns out this lady saw me when i lived in mission.

She asked me why she hasn't seen me lately so i told her i moved to Abbotsford about a year ago now. then she asked me if i knew her sister. when i graduated. where i graduated. she told me when she graduated and all about her school life growing up. She told me about how her bus pass for a year is only like 40 bucks a year because she has a disability. she talked about her favorite school teacher and where her teacher travelled to.

I stood and listenned to her for a good half hour. I am not the kind of person who will just walk away. I let her share and talk. she got into some pretty personal stuff too. but i think she just wanted someone to talk with and i was a familar face that she has seen around mission.

I just thought it was strange. she told me after that she just wanted to see how i was doing cause she hasn't seen me for a while. I guess people notice other people, just not everyone acknowledges it and lets people know.

You can't always get what you want ...

2008-08-23T14:30:00.000-07:00

You know, that song was never one of my favorites. I grew pretty tired of it when I used to hear it at church or street church. I never liked the idea that i may not always have control over how my life plays itself out. I may want one thing, but get thrown another. Sometimes it was better, sometimes it was worse. As it stands right now, I am starting to come to sense that life can be a game of russian roulette. Its a shake of a die. You have to take the good and the bad that comes your way and deal with it.

Things started to seem like they were going really well for me. I was openning up more then i have in the past. I was getting closer to some friends then I have ever been in person. I felt like my life was starting to get on track. I started to look too far ahead. When you do that, you can get hit hard with the realisation that what you hope for may not happen in reality. Even though things seemed to be hunky dorry in my head, it wasn't the case for everyone in my life. I started to look too far ahead. I started to wish and hope it would work out how I wanted. I started to get jealous and i started to in a way try to live what I wanted.

Very bad idea! especially when I was not the only one involved. It was not as simple as I thought it was. When you have more then yourself involved, things become a lot more difficult. You have the thoughts and feelings of others to consider and watch out for. Sometimes those feelings of others do not exactly match up with your own. Sometimes its cause of poor timing, somtimes its just because of human nature.

You have to never assume your way is the way things are going to work out. You have to never assume anything. When you start assuming, you run into tons of problems and headaches. I have had many where i assumed things would get done, or i assumed everything was ok or i assumed the reason why someone didn't get back to me was because of (fill in the blank). But more times then none, i was totally wrong with my assumptions. sure sometimes I was right, but in reality it was a very low percentage. its best to just not assume and to just find out for sure. that way you will know for sure.

Let me get back to my story. To make a long story short, i ran into a wall. I fell flat on my face and i started to break down inside. All because things were not going how I planned they would. I had no control over how things were progressing or how other people felt. I started to think more about myself then those around me and that is just not me. Anybody who has known me knows that those close to me are number one to me. There is almost nothing i wouldn't do for any one of those friends.

I started to become selfish. I wanted what i guess was not what someone else wanted. its not the first time and it probably won't be the last, but I can still work on it and at least show myself that i am aware of such behavior. In my time of breakdown, i had so many thoughts going through my head. I was constantly thrashing myself for screwing everything up even though its probably just how things worked out. I contacted one person informally and that person really pissed me off with what they said to me. I was so upset, but started to think about what they said and felt they were right. i was a selfish bastard and i got what was coming to me. its not about me when other people are involved or when things go bad in my head. The other people involved are equally important if not more.

On my three hour drive or so, i started to think. What is friendship. Is friendship worth sacrificing when you can't get what you want? Heck no! is the answer. Friendship is probably one of the most important things in someones life. I know it is in mine. I have more friends now then i have ever had. Not all of them are extremely close, but those who are mean a lot to me. They each have a spot in my life that not everyone can be a part of. I try to be the best friend I can possibly be, i know i fail quite often but at least i try.

I then started to think about relationships. what is a relationship? its a friendship of meaning. its something that grows friends closer together to the point where true trust is involved. it doesn't neccessarily have to be intimate or exclusive to one person. its a way of saying, yes your special to me and I don't expect anything from you. In fact, here are soem dictionary definitions from Dictionary.com

friend·ship
–noun
1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2. a friendly relation or intimacy.
3. friendly feeling or disposition

re·la·tion·ship
–noun
1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

So ya relationship can mean more intimate too, but #1 and #3 stand out to me. an emotional or other connection between people. its a bond of friendship.

I started to feel so bad for myself that i failed to hold onto the relationship I already had, my friend.

I still have lots of questions that i want answered. Most of them involve how a intimate relationship transpires and the steps involved. but for now I will leave them be. they are all written down and ready to share with my closest friends when i feel the time is right. On those pages contain many personal questions as well as thoughts during my whole experience. Stuff that is too personal for public eyes.

I just wanted everyone to know that everyone has ups and downs. Its what you make of them that matters. Hold onto your friends. I am going to.

Experiencing wear

2008-05-02T22:31:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you are wearing thin? like you have nothing more to give?

I was thinking about this today when I was driving home with susy from mission after working on their travel trailer. When I first started growing up I was all to myself. I never let people get to know me. then I got the opportunity to help others. it was a way for me to direct my energy into something that made others feel accepted. It was awesome and I enjoyed every bit of it, but it soon took a backseat in my life.

I was starting to feel like I had nothing more to offer people. I was running dry. I wanted to focus on myself once in my life. In order to do that I had to give up what gave me joy. In order to grow you have to sacrifice. sometimes the things you have to give up ultimately hold you back from what you need most in your life.

I need independence. I need to feel like I have my life in order and that I make my own calls. I can't say i've been watching for signs from God at all. I think i've left him in the background right now. I know for sure that life is way more complicated and bigger than I could ever imagine on my own.

... I have to go to work right now, i'll try to continue writing sometime later tomorrow. ...

One year older and still ....

2008-03-25T00:11:00.000-07:00

lets just say what has not been answered has still not been answered. i've met some new people, some are very cool. but i think its even tougher now for people to get to know who i am. i don't show it anymore to just anyone.

life still sucks at times, but there are positives. so i will hang onto those and keep motoring my way through life.

Shift work means never sleeping again

2008-03-18T03:51:00.000-07:00

Well thats how it seems to be for me lately. I'm coming off a graveyard shift with 1 day off. A friend of mine told me the other day that i've worked 13-14 days straight. and I just finished telling her that she needs make her life less busy. and that she is too busy.

I estimate in about a month, i'll be laid off for a at least a few months. I've always prepared for this kind of situation because it happens pretty much every year where I work. I'm not as prepared has i have been in the past, but that is only because I bought a place in the last half year or so. My savings isn't as big as it normally would be and I have a few (ok way more) expenses than i have had in the past. But I am stable and prepared.

I have even prepared a new resume. something i haven't written up in years. and you know what? I have lots of volunteer experience, but i have very little actual work experience in any area of the job world. I know how to make bricks, burn bricks and throw bricks. whoa! that will go far ;) but the pay is above normal and right now i have a very slack job. the hours are the only downside.

I've been thinking about some of the jobs that some of my friends have as well as my sister and brother-in-law. I've been missing the people factor i once had when I would volunteer and lead at street church (a meal program with New Heights Church). I liked the authority power I had. i liked encouraging other volunteers to work as a team. I liked interacting with the people who came down for some food. I miss people.

I really enjoyed all the setup and planning when I helped neil with their wedding reception. I am a hands on person. I would die if i sat in front of a computer day in and day out. I want to keep them as a hobby.

in some ways I am kind of looking forward to getting laid off so that I can once again help neil and susy out at their work if they need help. call me crazy or whatever you like. cloverdale rodeo has been on my mind too haha.

I know I have a lot of potential. I know I am very quiet. but i am not always quiet. I have a side of me that loves to take charge in my own way. if i know how something has to be done, i have no problem explaining it to others or doing it myself. as long as i have done it personally myself.

When I first switched departments at my work, i was overwhelmed and nervious by all the stuff i needed to know. but you know what? its pretty simple now and I even do extras to make life easier at work. When stuff breaks at work, i try to fix it myself and then if i can't get it i'll ask for help. once i know the solution, i'll be fine when it happens again. as long as it isn't way over my head and requiring a maintence guy. I find myself fixing chains, repairing leaks, tweaking machinary, adding oil to equipment or anything to make things run smoothly for my shift.

I just have to have a problem happen to me face to face, then i know exactly how to deal with it the next time. hands on learning. thats me.

I want a job that I am more involved with people. a job where I can get my hands dirty but also allows me to stay clean and professional looking at times. A job with flexible hours on occasions. A job that I can make my own, within reason. I want a job where I have some control over how things work. I want to show myself that I can be more than I think i can be.

so in the ideal world: i want to still be a "guy" (playing in the dirt), but feel like I have a job that stands out. I wonder if a job exists that meets the criteria i am looking for. The only problem factor I will run into is that I have absolutely no experience or training. just work ethic.

I'll find where i am going sooner or later. I have more than work on my mind, but that can come at a later date. I just wanted to write to write again. Life can be a crazy time, but its what we make of it that matters. God will provide doors for me to open. I just have to take the step.

Unexpected Service

2008-03-10T07:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went out for something to eat at the Triple O's whitespot. its a whitespot in a gas station. I went there because it was quick and i could get my whitespot fix without sitting too long to wait for my burger. When I arrived I ordered my meal and sat down. The girl who took my order brought out my order and told me to enjoy it.

oh, ok i thought. thank you i replied. a few minutes later she walked by the table i was at and asked me if my food was ok. yup, thank you i replied. then i noticed that i didn't have my donought that i had ordered. so i went up to the counter and asked her about it. she did a girly like grunt of frustration with herself for forgetting about it and appologized i think three times before giving me my donought.

I sat back down and started eating again. she came over once again to ask how everything was. good good, i replied. I then noticed that she was getting ready to get off work.

I thought to myself... wow, i've never had a fast food clerk check in with me so much. it was as if i was in a restaurant. I looked at the other people in the place too, but they didn't get the same service i got.

when i got up to leave, she was putting ear rings in and looked up at me and told me to have a good day. i told her to have a good day too and that was that.

It was a different experience at a fast food outlet for sure. at least for me.

I was Reminded of the Big Picture

2008-02-18T00:24:00.000-08:00

On Sunday I made plans to hang out with some friends of mine, Lizs' kids Matt and Becka. We went swimming. Its always fun for me. Instead of thinking about crap going on in my head, I just get away. Kids are fun to spend time with because often they just react to situations as they come. They aren't usually affraid to just say what they are thinking. and most of the time they are honest about what they do say. genuine curiousity.

I made a point to let them know that I won't be able to do some of the bigger stuff with them for a while. I told them how I may not even have a job in a couple months. We don't have work lined up past march 30th right now. but that can change of course. but i wanted to let them know. Both of the kids inquired about what I am going to do. I told them some of my options and left it at that. and we continued our day together.

When I dropped off the kids, matt walked beside me just before we got to their door. Matt mentioned that I could always deliver papers to make some extra money to get by. I thought that was pretty special, he truely wanted to help me out anyway he could. Liz has raised some pretty special kids. You are both awesome Matt and Becka.

Earlier when I was at church (i haven't been to this one for a long time, or any for that matter in a while), a guy came up to me and mentioned that he loved a post i made about a waterfall. It was the only post I made in december and it was done at a time when I was thinking about so much stuff. I was astonished that he even read it.

I went back to read it to refresh myself about what I wrote. Even now I have been going through a lot in my head. Its pretty cool how someone else reminded me about a post that was about how small we are compared to God. our problems are nothing for him, we just have to relax. Even if you don't believe in a God, its important to just relax. you never know. God could be working in the background of your life and you may not even know it. To top it off, the service had some keys in it about leaving the troubles for God to work out. I don't think that means just forget them. you still have to do footwork at times. just don't worry so much. it will work its way out. relax.

I'm going to do my best to just relax and be myself. if things are meant to be, they will happen. if i get discouraged and i am sure i will, i will just relax. take things one step at a time.

Trying to figure things out.

2008-02-02T00:06:00.000-08:00

As it is right now, I know I work in a up and down industry. Some of it depends on other companies such as the aluminum industry. We supply products to smelters, construction projects and the general public.

I currently work at a brick factory that has been running for over 100 years, but there has never been stability. Some years we have lots of orders and some years we run out of orders. When I started, i knew that we shut down usually once a year due to lack of orders. It costs a lot to keep the plant running. for example. during one run of bricks, we were using $4000 worth of gas in a day. and that isn't when we have one of our other kilns fired up.

I started out working on the drawing floor where my job was to grade bricks and palletize them for the customer. I was the last person to see them before they left the plant. It was my responsibility to make sure the customer got what they ordered, along with the supervisor in our department of course. But I took pride in what I sent out.

Recently I was given a chance to switch jobs in the plant to a more relaxed and easy going job. It required me to do shift work since the plant runs 24/7, but I was ok with that. I wanted to give it a shot. It pays more in the long run, i just get odd days off. but i can work out my entire year of work so i know when i get days off and when i work. But even with my recent switch in jobs, I don't have stability. if the plant shuts down, i'm too low on the senority list to stay around and clean up while shut down. There has been talk about a shut down happening in the summer. right now we have orders up to march on the list i have available. baring that I am still working for a guy who is off by then, I should have a job up until they exit the kiln for sure and possibly as it shuts down. it takes a while to cool the kiln down safely.

I don't really know what I will do yet. I have a little nest egg saved up, but it was going to go towards a washer/dryer. things have changed though since hearing this news. I'm in saving mode to get through the summer until we get more orders. I don't really like doing that because often I end up spending more when i'm laid off!!

Do i seek out a new job again? Do I try to contact a old boss to see if he is managing another place and could use a worker? Do I just go on EI and volunteer and help Neil at tradex while i wait for the plant to start up again? haha Do i wait it out or take something with less pay and more stability? Do I go to school to learn something? if so, where is the money going to come from to pay my bills.

I have a lot of uncertaintiy and questions right now. if you see me, you can give me a hug ;) what to do ...

what i do when i'm bored at work and there is snow

2008-01-28T02:55:00.000-08:00

a couple days ago when we had that snowfall I was at work. my boss drove in because he was just checking what was in the kiln and a few things with the kiln. anyway. when he left I decided I wanted to build a snowman. I had free time. so away i started. rolling the huge base ball. it broke a couple times when i rolled it, so i had to piece it back together and try to get the sucker rolling again.

it was pretty difficult though to do it myself. so i decided to start another ball at a entrance where i could get a forklift to it easily. you see i didn't want to drive too far in the snow to mess it up. the snow that is. if anything i'd just get the forklift stuck like i did out back when i was dumping something. but i got it free.

so i tried to roll the ball big enough so i could tilt the forks down and roll it by pushing and raising the forks every once and a while and dropping them. but it didn't work as planned and i broke that one. so i gave up on that idea.

i built the second ball, but i couldn't roll it manually over to where i wanted to build the snowman. sooo... i picked up the second ball with the forklift and drove it to the other end of hte plant. i then got the base ball and drove it over to the location. then i lifted the second ball up and positioned it as i filled in around so that it would stay. i backed out very slowly and it looked like a success.

i went out later to find the second ball fell down. I guess it was warming up or the snow was too wet at the time. i don't know. it just didn't work.

so that was kind of a disappointment. maybe next snow fall i will have better success. i was hoping to build one taller than the last one i built with susy long ago which was around 9ft+

Some Changes bring the Unexpected

2008-01-27T23:21:00.000-08:00

I was at work today doing what I do now and my phone started ringing. I looked at the display and it was Dennis' cell phone, so i knew they were at their dads and that it was Matt. I answered it and right away he asked if i was busy today. I paused for a second and thought about how I seem to always be working when he is out of school now. I had to tell him that I was busy yea, i was working. he quickly said ok.

I made sure I said happy birthday to him and how i was sorry it was late. but i did send him a email on his birthday. lol 13yrs old. wow. Lizs' kids are growing up fast and i haven't even known them as long as Liz!! haha

My new job brings me odd hours. but it gives me different days off. i get some daylight. i get week days off. and iknow my schedule well in advance. i could work out my shift for a entire year if i knew I was going to be filling in permanently for the guy i'm filling in for. Its more pay, but i get less overtime. but i think i will still end up making more. there is quite a bit of free time, so if i want to do some self study courses or something i would have a lot of time to do that on the night shifts.

the only thing that sucks is that i don't always get weekends off. and i can't always do everything with my friends because of work. but its not the end of the world. I think they know i'm still around ;)

I end up chatting with the call in people at work every hour when i do my check in. some of them like to talk more then others. sometimes they are too busy though and i understand that. usually i have to do something very soon too when i make the calls.

i wonder though... a buddy of mine who is still doing what i was doing before told me that things there aren't the same anymore. trash talk and stuff. i felt like i kept people in order in a way. lol. but i'm not there anymore so things get out of hand. but i guess things were changing slowly. my buddy is glad i got out of that department. i make sure i check in with him when i see him at work. and we chat for a bit. I'm praying that things work out for him. he has some awesome opportunities that were presented to him.

Keeping to myself

2008-01-25T14:18:00.001-08:00

I used to find comfort and a sense of community when I would write about myself on this blog. I used to think that if I shared what I was going through with everyone, maybe I would make others feel as if they were normal.

Normal? ya I have always thought I was normal even though I can have a chaotic mind that thinks a whole lot. I would tell people that I just don't think some other people want to look at things so much. they want to brush things under the carpet or just pretend they were not worth thinking about. i know some people who would disagree that I am normal. and that is ok. because i probably am not totally normal. i'm my own flavor.

sometimes for sure it felt like the easier way out. just let it go. but what do you do when you just keep thinking about it? force yourself to believe what you can't believe? it doesn't always work that way. and sometimes I think it can cause more harm than good.

I stopped writing because I felt like what I was going through would just cause more harm than good to those who actually read what I shared. I felt that if I just clam up things would be better off. Some people have very strong opinions. some people have very persuasive personalities. some people look up to people so much that they try to be like then. I'm not saying i was any of these categories, but sometimes what people read they tend to make their own truth out of it. or they believe they know whats going on. and come on, you don't know unless you are involved. period.

I've considered starting up again, but I really don't know what to write about. Everything or most everything i would write about would be what I was going through or thinking. Its scary in my head sometimes. but I haven't blown up yet. I've had times when I couldn't understand something or wished things were different. It would eventually fade away though.

as it is right now. I don't have much going on. I'm still fighting with some aspects of my life, but whats new. I'll find who I am and my place eventually.

Hi

2008-01-24T21:42:00.001-08:00

Nothing new, just weird hours at work, haha. Bye

I'm bored

2008-01-22T06:59:00.000-08:00

hi peoples

Clearing my head

2007-12-16T13:56:00.000-08:00

Have you ever sat and watched a waterfall before? I mean really watched it?

Today I felt the need to just get away. I wanted to forget about everything going on in my head and just relax.

as i was sitting there, I started noticing things. it was as if i could slowdown what I saw. instead of a huge sheet of water flowing down, i was seeing individual drops leaping from the cliff. Even though they were part of the whole fall, they jumped on their own. free will i guess you can say.

I tried to think about the stuff going on in my head, but it all seemed so small compared to the huge amount of water rushing off the cliff. If only i could leap like each drop i saw jumping for joy. The last time I was at this fall was when i was with a good friend of mine and there was no where near as much water as i saw coming off it today. i was like... wow...

I was sitting there at one point, my fingers numb and shivering as i tried to type on my phone what i was thinking. then I found myself chuckling to myself. I started to picture each drop jumping and screaming out with joy as it plunged into the water below. yeeee hawww! have you ever pictured things like this before?

a thought from my experience: we are all in the big picture and we all have our own freedom. sometimes we try to go after what we want. sometimes we don't understand where we are going. sometimes we screw up. but in the end, its still part of the big picture.

i had everything i wanted tos ay all typed on my phone, but then i pressed the end button and it closed the notepad and erased everything. noo way!

Standing still

2007-11-07T23:32:00.000-08:00

Its a curse I have. standing still. I can't even count how many times I think i've missed on opportunities or people. For a long time, I have had this mindset where I basically said screw everyone I felt didn't want anything to do with me.

There were times when I thought I was getting out of the rutt, but i just bunkered back down deeper in the end. I'm pretty deep right now. I keep everyone very far away. I do more stuff with some friends, but thats it.

I'm watching friends again rather than trying to be there for them. I don't want to mess up and lose what i've had before again.

I've come to a place where I feel like I just have to do stuff for me. I was watching ultimjate fighter (hughes vs serra) and there was a guy on the show talking about how he felt he was all alone. he had nobody. his dad died when he was young. he felt he was fighting just for himself and that he didn't feel people were there for him anymore. if he lost the fight he didn't know what he would do. fighting was his life. its all he knew and it was just his fight. he was constantly fighting himself as well in his head. I watched and was like, yup thats like me. i'm on my own.

In order to achieve some things for me, i've come up with a list of things I want to accomplish before I am 30. surprisingly finding a awesome girl is not on the list. its not in my cards and i'll be fine with that. i'm going bald anyway lol, so its over for me.

- In the spring I'm going to jump out of a plane. If i survive cool, if i don't, i'll have a rush until the splat ;)
- I am currently in the process of applying for a new career possibility. So far i'm passed the first bit.
- I am going to also pursue other avenues of interest in the search to find my perfect job.
- I want to be renting one place out and living in another before i'm 30. or something around those lines.
- I am going to try to set specific days where I can hang out with lizs kids and do stuff. as long as they are still interested. but they have to be patient while I map out my expenses and what I can budget for.
- I'm going to buy myself a christmas present this year (a washer and dryer)
- I want to be able to meet more people, so i'm considering getting into a martial arts or self defence training.
- I have also considered a weekend job, however i'd need it to be flexible in hours. the only problem with this is that usually weekends are my free time.
- I want to try to do a yearly vacation for myself.

I've been hearing lots of songs about people thanking God for what they have. I find myself wondering what he has given me. You know what though? I don't think I have really tried to seek out what he puts in front of me. I've been waiting for him to just give things to me. Everything takes work. i've been lazy in that department. I'm never going to change if i stay still. I'm never going to meet someone if i stay still. i'm never going to gain confidence if i stay where I am. i'm never going to believe in myself if i just stay still.

The biggest reason I have upset my life so much the last while is primarily because I don't want to stay still. I bought and moved. I quit street church. I stopped going to church. I hang out with susy and neil way more. I've started looking and applying to new jobs. I want a life, so i have to create it. not wait for God to just give it to me. I don't think thats really how he wants it to work. I think he wants us to work for everything.

Some people talk about how they don't believe in a God and that they only believe that they create their own destiny. You know what? that is true. they create their path. God just provides the avenues, you have to choose the path and work to make it work. your success is dependent on how hard you make it happen. my faith is rocky right now, but I think that is ok. I just have to keep pushing myself to keep moving and trying new things. Eventually the person God made me to be will be alive. I can't hide away. I have to live like nobody is watching. I have to live and not care how I feel others will look upon me. I have to be myself.

I won't change overnight. I know that. small steps. A goal at a time. one foot in front of the other. and stay open to opportunities and people which pop up in front of me.

its easy to say. i just have to make it a reality. its up to me.

yawn

2007-11-05T17:32:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking that I need to go on a vacation somewhere. somewhere hot and lots to look at or do. too bad i don't have any holidays. i'll save up though for a trip. i need one.

The me inside wants to get out ;)

2007-10-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

Will they like who I am rather than who they see?

I ask that question a lot when sometimes I see people and act one way, usually quiet when i don't see them much. Sometimes though I feel like acting how I am inside, goofy and loving. Its hard though. if i suddenly change around people that know me as quiet, it would probably freak them out a bit. but on the other hand, i'd be comfortable just being me all the time.

Neil told me a couple times that he didn't care what other people thought of him. and that if someone didn't like him, its their problem. that makes a lot of sense to me.

when i start to get to know people more, i tend to be who i am. guys at work know the goofy side of me. i'll do almost anything for a laugh at work. i leave my fear at the gate.

i'd like to carry that way of living everywhere. i just need to find the courage to do so.

Everything comes down to poo

2007-10-16T22:20:00.001-07:00

from scrubs again. same musical show. just for you neil

here you go susy!!

2007-10-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

from scrubs the musical again..

:) it made me laugh.

2007-10-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

this is from the show scrubs

No Thanksgiving?

2007-10-08T17:37:00.000-07:00

Nope.

It was surprising how many people asked me about it. Yea, no we aren't having one. everyone is working or busy. Everyone else was having one, but not us. I just told them that I was supervising a thanksgiving dinner down at the church office. thats it.

I had matt for the weekend, well sunday until monday evening. I asked him, so why aren't you going for dinner with your family. na, don't want to. its too crowded. he was looking forward to coming over anyway to sleep and hang out. so thats what we did. We played some video games. ate umm, food that umm probably shouldn't be eaten all the time. watched a movie. and just talked a bit about the upcoming wedding and stuff. and we played a couple games of monopoly.

when we got back to mission we took aussie for a walk and watched a guy running down a hill filling a parachute with air. then collapsing it when he had to. it kind of looked like he was practising to me.

it was a fairly quiet weekend really, but thats alright. I hope everyone else had a great thanksgiving dinner.

Should I?

2007-10-05T20:48:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking about what brings me joy for quite a while. kids. have you ever thought about becoming a big brother? I have. I've even visited their website a few times in the last month. I'm going to keep it in my head for a while longer. I wouldn't be surprised though if thats where I got involved again.

I'd go from hanging out with people off the street to hanging out with a kid a few hours a month. I already hang out with a couple other buddies of mine. if you don't know who, its lizs kids. they are cool.

the only problem i have is time. will i have enough of it. i've already had to cut down how much time i spend with my buddies.

i'm going to try to learn more about big brothers/sisters at the very least.

Some things remain the same

2007-10-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

So no matter how I feel inside about myself, I tend to find that kids still draw my attention. Yesterday is a great example.

A few of us went out to langley to watch a movie, but before we stopped for a quick bite to eat at mc donalds. I finished up my meal and signalled to neil that I was going into the kiddie area to play some video games. That was my intention anyway. when I first walked in there the boy was just holding the controller. he didn't know what to do. so I helped him out. I crouched down and told him playing a video game, do you want to try? Ya he responds. ok. he then grabs the controller and I attempt to assist him in playing the game. he was probably around 3-4. he seemed so eager to play the game even though he didn't quite know how to. but he would look over to me and i would tell him which buttons to press. it was so cute really. I just get along with kids. a couple of other kids, probably his sisters came over but they were a little shy.

The mom stood watching as I explained the game to the boy. i would ask him if he wanted to play a different game and he would respond with. oh! yea! so i helped him out there.

then neil openned the door and called my name, just like i was a young kid. your times up he called out. so i ran over to the door to leave. and of course i said bye to the kids there. the mom just laughed and smiled.

i'm a kid at heart with a lot of stuff in my head.

My flaws

2007-10-05T00:35:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been looking at myself and comparing myself to others. You may not be surprised to hear that I see more good things in everyone else than in myself. In fact I don't see much in myself that anyone else would ever say, ya he is a keeper. I don't stand out. I'm not witty. I don't have killer looks. and I'm not generally what people look for.

At work guys like to kid around with me because they know my relational status. They know i'm single and have been for a long time. Some guys always try to give me "tips". things they did to find their special someone. One guy for example explained exactly how he found his wife. and told me i could use his approach. I respond to them with, i'm not in any hurry. Of course my lack of ladies in my life cause others to assume i'm gay. or at least joke about it. I shrug it off just play with the idea. I don't really care what they think.

Throughout my life, i've had 3 girls i've been attracted to in one way or another. Girls who I knew pretty well and they knew who i was. One of them I took further than a friendship for a little while, but I broke it off because I wasn't feeling the same as she was. I had someone else in my head and I just felt it wasn't right to keep a relationship going when I just really wasn't in it. We are stil friends and i'm glad about that. The other two girls well, one turned me down and the other well i couldn't get a answer out of, but later realised it wasn't mutual. It is understandable though. i'm not a top pick. i'm lower class for sure. I'm always going to be friends with all of them.

Currently I find myself closed. very closed really. I don't have communication lines that I once had. I feel like if I open, i'm just going to get hurt or hurt someone else. thats my worst fear. I never want to hurt someone else or do something that causes them to become uncomfortable in groups they hang out with. I really don't trust how I feel anymore. I've kept God and when I had lots of questions i was asking him. but everytime i thought i knew what I was supposed to do, it ended up making things worse. and i would start crying. ya i cry.

when i screwed up helping neil on the waterfall bar and neil came over to check it out, I looked at him and told him that I will have it fixed. as I told him I started choking up and almost broke down. It was a project that had to be finished and I failed, but was determined to fix it. even if i had to work at it for hours and hours. I don't know why I almost cried, i just almost did. but of course i wasn't going to show neil. i just looked away and started working on repairs to get it to work.

I'm pretty emotional sometimes when it comes to some things. I think its a weakness and it is very annoying. but how can I change who i am. I don't think i want to. its in a way compassion.

I often wish I were a lot like susy and neil. they seem to have awesome lives. they can interact with people with ease, joke, and basically do anything without fear. others are just attracted to them. myself? i'm background decoration. thats how i see myself anyway. I don't have a life. i am trying to be more socialable, but sometimes when i'm one way its tough to show people another side when they know me the other way.

you know what? I have one person who isn't family that I am not affraid of giving a hug to and know they will give me a hug. This person was a huge part in my life and I miss the person a lot. times have changed though. well i have a couple more coming to mind, but one is far away now. and the other i can't say i was close to a whole lot.

I don't share with people what i'm thinking anymore either. I used to share all the time with someone. but its not the same anymore. the friendship is still there, but i've screwed a lot up. and then the fact that they have someone to talk to now. they don't need me. I am happy for them for sure. but i'll always be sad too. i just hope i don't show that part.

I do hope someday that I will love my life. right now though and over the last year or so i've just felt like i'm alive. not living. I don't have a path and I don't know why i'm where I am. I've questioned God many times as to why i'm here and why I can't have a "happy" life. I'm not depressed, i just wish things could be better. i wish i had more smiles in my life. reasons to get out and have a good time.

Some may be that I don't really know who I am. but will i ever know? and will I be someone who gets noticed. I want to be happy. Currently I am trying to overhaul my life. I'm leaving some things i've been a part of for a long time. I feel like my time is up there and I need a new adventure.

I talk top guys at work sometimes about the people currently in my life. They always seem to try and get me hooked up with someone though. I am just trying to protect myself though. i don't want to ever screw anything up again. yes i'm terrified. what if what I think isn't right. I don't care if i look like a fool. but i care if I make someone else uncomfortable or uneasy. i want everyone else to be happy and content where they are. i don't want to be a cause of discomfort.

my life doesn't matter. everyone else is more important. so i guess i'll never be truely happy. i'll just have to find a way to be content on my own. i sure wish i could trust what i once trusted though. i used to think i was very good at knowing what others were thinking. but not anymore. so i stay quiet. very quiet. i don't just give people hugs unless I know for sure they are ok with it.

some day i hope I believe i have something to offer someone. some day i want to believe i'm of worth. i'll keep chugging along in my life. it may come eventually. i'll hold onto hope.

Goofing around

2007-09-13T17:01:00.000-07:00

My job is very repetitive and boring most of the time. but we have a lot of fun still. Today one guy brought a fake rubber mouse to work. we took that mouse and placed it where people were working on the floor. a bunch of us would gather around one another just to see what the unsuspecting target would do. we had one guy go to pick up more bricks and jump back quickly. i think he caught on that it was fake because we were roaring down the line.

another guy thought it was a charcoled mouse and was about to get a shovel. my buddy decided to pretent to tak ea look and the guy told him you probably don't want to. then my buddy threw the mouse at the guy. he shreeked and jumped away. as he watched the mouse fall to the ground he started laughing so hard because he realized what it was.

some days we put greese into new guys gloves. just in the finger tips. so when they shove their hand in there, they feel it.

there were the days also where we would store buckets of water all over the plant. on breaks or at the end of the day we would do mad dashes to our water supplies and drench eachother. that came to a end though when the big boss said no more. I think it was because we were taking walks to find the stashed buckets of water. and we were running top speed as soon as the horn went while carrying a bucket of water. can you say safety hazard?

the guys I work with are pretty good guys. some days i just want to get out of there. other days, I enjoy the joking around and talking while working. it helps when you get along with each person you work closely with all day every week.

kind of surprising

2007-09-05T18:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday susy pointed out that there was a unit int he paper from my building being rented out. same size, but on the 3rd floor. they are renting it for 900/month. i thinki its a crazy price for the size, but someone went for one. my dad told me that the girlfriend of a guy at work recently moved into a unit like mine for 900 a month.

thats almost my mortgage payment. wow. My buddy said i should move back to my parents and rent my place out while there are no rental restrictions. I told him that I have to stay for a year unless i wanted to pay pack the first time home buyers discounts and stuff.

i think i'll stay in it for now. I have my first annual strata meeting on the 18th. we will see what comes up and what we will be voting on. if it turns out we all decide to let rentals happen, maybe i'll do that later on when i'm ready to buy a different place. i will see how things work out.

Its good

2007-09-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

I was talking with my boss today as I walked out ofthe gate and he asked me how things are going at my new place. I thought for a second and told him things are going good. I'm settling in, buying new little things like a stand for my playstation and digital terminal. He looked at me and said, cool good for you james.

You know what. I find myself thinking a lot and looking at what i don't have, but in reality I am doing well. I am doing more things with other people and in turn meeting new people. I think i'm getting better at talking with others even though i'm still quiet.

Yesterday I went to Ikea with susy, neil and another friend of theirs that I met on our movie nights. It was a fun day really. I laughed, and joked with people. thats when i found my stand.

I think i'm happy anyway. The relationships around me are starting to not bother me at all now. I was talking to some guys at work today telling them about my trip to calgary. they asked who i went with so it old them. and they were like, it wasn't uncomfortable or weird travelling with someone you went out with before? no, not really i said. we all hang out and do stuff every week anyway, it wasn't a big deal. They asked me if it was weird hanging out with her boyfriend. nope. he seems like a really nice guy. I hang out with him too now. The guys at work thought it would be so strange, but later i think they realized things don't have to be wierd. sometimes things just don't work out how you think they will. it doesn't mean you have to scratch out people in your life.

so i guess I am content where my life is right now. I'm good. I think its cool how a few of my friends are so smitten right now. there are some things i'd like to change in my life, but i'll get there when the time comes. I'm just going to take on things as they come and try new things. and i'm going to try to be me. I want to be there for my friends.

Get out of here...

2007-09-02T21:16:00.000-07:00

One of the guys who came to eat came up to me after he ate and told me to read John 14:14. I told him I would. he told me to make sure i read it, and to read further on too. I looked at him and said, i will.

I came back, wrote a bit. heard back from some friends and now I just looked at John 14:14. it says: "You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."

one of my friends reminded me that I had to let God work through me. do what i can and he will provide. its interesting the that the verse a guy gave me talked about basically putting trust in God to come through. she mentioned the loaves and fishes story and told me to just do what i can.

I have a really hard time just leaving it all alone when I know how many mouths are going to come through the door. How do you just let it go when you might not have enough to go around. They look to you to provide, even though you thank God for what has been given.

I think the stress is worth it in the end when you see the peoples faces and gratitude. it just doesn't seem like it when you are rushing to get things prepared.

Just when your about to give up ...

2007-09-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

- Extra help arrives with a unexpected casserole
- More helpers arrives to prepare food
- As I am standing watching people come up for their food a guy gives me a hug and starts praying for me. for me. wtf
- When I start handing out bagged lunches a guy gives me a hug and thanks me (us) for the food.
- We get complimented as to how things were
- another guy gives me a hug and thanks me

and then i am left to wonder what is going on and question why I felt like quitting. and thinking about how i can fix being overwhelmed in the future.

Where is your passion?

2007-09-02T13:56:00.000-07:00

Thats basically what church was about today. Where do you find great joy? Is it helping people? playing music? cars? Greg talked about a group of guys who were really into cars, and what they decided to do was start a vallet service during the winter months at their church. they loved to drive cars, so they would park peoples cars for them and get them when they were leaving. They found a way to do their part.

What about me? well. I love kids. I love bring smiles to peoples faces. I love giving the unexpected people who are not expecting it. I love giving what I have because eventually I will get it back later anyway. money is usually nothing to me. Kids are my favorite though. they are so open and free. they just do things and experience whatever comes their way.

I'd love to have kids. I think they would be sooo much fun. They bring smiles, laughter, experiences and excitement. Sure you will have tough days, but just think of the joy you have too. I've had people ask me how many kids I am going to have. some think 4+. I laugh and say, if i ever do meet someone and have kids i'd have two. then they laugh at me and say, ya right and say i'll have more.

I don't know though. its far far in the distance. too far for me to ever even dream about. so i try to just forget it. write it off as not happenning. I write myself off a lot of times really. sometimes things are just never meant to be. and why get excited for nothing.

I don't know. I don't know where i'm supposed to go. street church. well setup and organization is starting to feel like a chore. but i do it because if i don't, it won't happen. if i leave, there will be a hole and a team will fall apart. Other people have been able to leave, but i can't see a way for me to leave without fracturing the whole and bringing more stress onto others. and what about friendships i've made down there with the people we feed. I don't think i can ever quit. but what if i have to. what if my time is up.

i don't know.

church is drastically different too. there are some that are familar, but some close people I really liked are gone now. an example is that I stood outside today during service. everyone else was under the shelter, well most people. but i stood on my own. on purpose. i was just thinking and looking. one person came over and told me that just because i lived in abbotsford didn't mean i had to stand way outside and be a outkast. something like that anyway. i chuckled and told him i knew that. and I did. I just found myself thinking of the others who used to be there but have since moved on. people who made me smile every morning and i looked forward to seeing. people who made a difference in my life.

but what was once there is now gone. its sad. i'll remember each of them though, even if i don't have contact.

soemtimes it feels like i just want to give it all up. live for myself and nobody else. by doing that though, i don't think i'd be able to do what i love. giving to others.

one thing though that I have noticed is that i don't really listen to the services in church anymore. I just start thinking about stuff instead of paying attention. i hear some. but not a lot. maybe its time for me to go...

how do you balance your life?

An Interesting Quote

2007-09-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

I saw a quote Scott posted and thought it was something to think about.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

So is silence harmful? or is it good? I suppose it depends on the situation. It made me think anyway.

The PNE with Kids

2007-09-02T11:25:00.000-07:00

So, Friday night Matt and Becka asked me if i wanted to come to the pne with them, kari ann (one of beckas friends) and peter. I just got home from Calgary so i was a little tired. I told them that I was going to pass. they kept asking me to come along too. but i kept saying na. but...

later that night Peter came onto msn and asked me if i wanted to come along too. and that I didn't have to drive because he had a extra seat. I declined again and he told me that if i changed my mind, to just let him know. I knew what time they were leaving. All the rest of the night I started thinking it would be fun to go. I was even thinking about one guy and 3 kids all wanting to do different things.

Saturday morning I told peter I was going to come along. and i'm glad I did. It was a lot of fun. I left organization up to Peter, so i just helped keep the pack together ;) Its fun watching the kids faces get so excited about certain rides. and then listenning to their stories after they have gone on the ride. Of course I went on rides. Peter did too.

There were some spinning, upside down fast rides that not everyone wanted to go on. but Kari Ann did. so i went too. oh yea! i'll go on pretty much anything. I figure, if they made the ride and people go on it. its safe enough to ride on. you just have to trust the harnesses!! There was one ride that Kari ann and I went on where I was just flopping all over in the harness. it was a padded shoulder bar so it held you there. but there were gaps. i found myself just dangling like a rag doll at times. it was hilarious to me. if you want to get a general thought or something, you could say this: Trust in what keeps you secure.

Matt and Becka did start to get braver as the night went on. I found when I was younger I liked to watch the rides many times before actually going on them. so i think its normal to be hesitant. Who knew kids could go on the same rides over and over and over and over again without even checking out other cool rides in the park.

I'm glad i went though. I was able to help Peter out with the kids, and I got to have lots of fun kid style. I wasn't too impressed though with the superdogs. the new host just didn't entertain me like the old guy did. but there were still funny moments when the dogs did what they wanted to.

overall, it was a great day.

What!

2007-08-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

SO i woke up this morning, getting ready to take a shower. I jumped in and started washing my hair when I heard a very annoying sound. a high pitched beeping. hmm. i thought. that is probably the fire alarm buzzer going off. so i casually finished up taking a shower. got dressed and looked. ya the buzzer was going off. and it was very loud!

so i headed down to the main floor lobby to see a worker frantically fumbling with the system on the wall and on his cell phone. i walked outside thinking maybe. just maybe there was a fire. A few minutes later i found out that they knew where it was from and that they created the smoke somehow. and it was not an emergency.

that sound is very annoying. it made my ears vibrate inside!

at least it was just a false alarm.

Its hard on the back...

2007-08-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

All this week so far i have been doing a completely different job than what I usually do at my work. there is a guy on holidays, so i've been doing his job. well me and my buddy have switched off. a week for him, a week for me. and this week its me.

I've been driving forklift for a crew of guys. its easy work, but it can get hectic when I get behind. or the guys all finish what they were working on at the same time. and then i have to rush to clean things up for them so they can start again. It looks easy. and it is. but i still find it hard on my back. all the bouncing on the seat when I hit the many uneven places in the very large brick factory. sometimes i have to do a little off roading to dump the garbage created by the guys.

there are also times though where I just sit there doing absolutely nothing as i wait for the guys to finish so i can stock it in the yard. Overall though it has been pretty good. its a nice change. i think i've been able to keep up with everyone for the most part. so i'm happy about that.

Yeah!

2007-08-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

So today I got to pick up my mail key for the mailboxes. It took a while, but it finally arrived. I openned it up though and didn't see anything in it haha. i wonder why? could it be because I haven't changed anything to come to my new address? umm, ya that could be it.

So i guess I have to get a few things changed. Drivers license, credit cards, banks among a few. You see, I wouldn't be able to just say, ok post office, direct all mail to James Goudie at my old address to my new address. it wouldn't work. because both my dad and I have the same names at the same address. there is no way they could seperate it.

oh well. i don't have too many things to update anyway. I can't wait until i get my first piece of mail haha even if its a bill!!

I get a hand-me-down queen mattress on fri or so after susy and neil get their new one. so i guess i should get a mattress cover. susy bought me my first sheet for it hehe thank you susy. I am kind of getting tired of sleeping on this futton. it isn't really that comfortable. and i feel the bars when i sleep. it isn't horrible, but i still feel them.

I want a real couch though. some people are telling me i need to get certain things. i want a lot of stuff. but its all fairly expensive. ;) i have to pace my spending...

it is neat though. even though its quite quiet. i think its a fun adventure. I need to get more motivated to actually make something though other than spaghetti and potatoe wedges!

So much has changed

2007-08-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how so much has changed the last year. I started feeling comfortable, like I thought I knew where I was heading or where I was supposed to be and bam. I have no idea anymore. Friends leaving. Losing contact. Dreams crushed. Feeling alone.

Ok, so the alone feeling is more to do with all my friends disappearing and me left. I attend church and feel outside. even though i'm considered a main contact for street church. I look around and miss the faces I once saw.

change sucks big time. I've never been good with big change. especially when I'm thrown to the wolves. haha I don't have the personality that draws people to me initially. people seem to like me when they do get to know me, but that is nothing if it never happens.

lately i've had some guys at work ask how I like my new place. my answer? its ok. its frigging boring living alone. when I get off work, a lot of stores are closed. so i eat, and get ready to sleep so i can work again the next morning. jobs suck. I need something more interesting than what I do haha.

I was told i need a girl in my life. whatever. no i don't. i'll be fine on my own. it will probably take me a life time be who i am supposed to be.

What happens when I get nervious

2007-08-02T23:34:00.000-07:00

I was taking a cheque to the bank today to have it put onto the personal loan that I borrowed to make a deposit on my place. I went up to the counter and as i told the lady what I wanted to do, I found myself jittery. Its something that happens to me when I'm nervious and trying to explain things. but it doesn't happen all the time. go figure. I am more comfortable when i know exactly how things will work, or i know the process because i've done it before. but when i'm on the spot, i can start to shake.

I try to calm myself down by taking deep breaths, but it doesn't always help. or i pause and try to refocus.

This kind of behavior of mine has had security at a airport question me a lot before. I mean a lot. but whatever. its something i fight with and it is something I think i can overcome.

it probably takes encounter after encounter after encounter.

Well ...

2007-08-02T17:39:00.000-07:00

I logged into online banking and saw the damage today. The loan I borrowed for the deposit is gone now, paid that off today. but... I see the mortgage total there now haha

There for just the right amount of time?

2007-07-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

Just now I started thinking about a few people that I kept very close to me and treasured, but have since drifted off. They haven't drifted to the point where i haven't seen them in like forever, but they have found a new path to follow.

Sometimes I will sit back and wonder how each of them are doing and wondering if they ask themselves the same question about me. I ask myself where i would have been if those friends never entered my life when they did. But I just can't imagine it. it is like their encounter with me was for a reason. They each brought unique personalities which at the time meshed right in with my life.

One person got me out and about when I could have easily just hidden away and done nothing with my life. This person showed me who i could be and believed that I was someone. she was the first person i would just get out and do stuff with. i would get off work and we would go hang out at a lake. or go on a hike. or just walk around and talk. It may seem weird, but when you live to hide you don't usually think much about yourself. This person never gave up on me. Thank you Tysey. I know you are doing what you do best out there in Calgary now. probably showing someone else who they can be.

Another person helped me to realize that there are some people who do care and who want to listen. This person seemed to have a calm and loving personality which gave me a sense of comfort. I was able to share anything with this person, i mean anything that was on my mind and this person was there. This person would share with me too and it made me feel like I was important. It was like a two way conversation, each of us being there for one another. There were some nights i'd be up really late and get a message. I was so excited to hear from this person and was always ready to stay up all hours of the night to just chat. This was the first person who came into my life where I felt so comfortable sharing with. I haven't found someone to replace this person yet, but that is ok. I know though that this person is where she feels comfortable and safe. and i am always here for her and her family (that includes the future extension). You are a amazing friend liz, thank you for the moments you have given me in the past to know I can share with some people. I wish the best for you guys.

There is another... Someone who i always noticed on stage, but never knew the name. One night while I was attending street church, which is a musical jam night for anyone and everyone on the street of mission, this person was singing and dancing. I basically just came, sat down and watched everyone have lots of fun. I never ever thought what was about to happen would have ever happened to me. This person was dancing and came up to where i was sitting and just grabbed my hand to get me up and dancing. I was shy and hesitant, but this person was cute and wanted me to dance. now, just so you know I never danced in my life. but this special person got me up there and had me doing something. I was so off beat it wasn't funny. but she showed me that it really didn't matter what people thought, it was about having fun. She always encouraged me to let worries and stuff go. just go out and have fun. She was also the first person to ever just want to hang out. I was very hesitant about seeing a movie, but i did because she was a good friend of mine. and we did. we saw a movie together. i can't remember what movie we saw though... I gave her a label in my life, she is my big Sis. thank you Annette.

There are not very many people in my life that I can saw, she changed my life. but I can say that about this other person. I had just had my sister come home from her 8 month stay in Costa Rica. I had no contacts at the time. my sisters friends would come over and i would would immediately head down to the basement. Those were her friends I told myself and it remained that way, i didn't feel like they could be mine too. I was in a dark hole. My sister came home like i said and she would go off to church sunday mornings. i would watch as she left and i always asked myself why she never asked me. when she did ask me, i would say no. but i would then think and wonder what it was like. my sister liked it so much. I would from time to time drive my sister out to the pastors house where she had a study group. I would drop my sister off and then head home. I didn't think anyone knew who i was and if they did i was surprised. One day I did say yes to my sister and i went to church with her. there was talk about a costa rica trip being setup and there were spots available. I really wanted to see what my sister saw and what my parents saw when they went down to visit susy there. I saw how my sister changed and really wanted to see for myself. so when we got home i told susy that we were going to go to costa rica. I was paying for it all. susy was excited to be able to go back and see the people she lived with there. so she told the pastor and the pastor said ok. I was so surprised that i was able to come along on the trip when I had not been part of the church long at all. I was a drop in! but i guess because i was the bnrother of susy, i was given a opportunity to go. The trip changed my life really. it got me into street ministry where now i help lead a program where we feed 60-70 people sunday nights. thank you susan kirch. for always believing in me and pushing me down paths i shyed away from. your the best. you showed me where my life could make a difference, whether it be on the street or those friends close to me.

it is true, i don't have the contact i once had with any of these special people in my life. but i do know they have my back if i ever need someone to lean on. love you all.

Some people move on, others creap in. just like a big guy who is now a brother. I'm not quite at a all sharing phase with him, but he is a special guy. it probably just takes some time. At first when i first met him, i kept him so far at a distance. he fought really to get as close as he is to me now. he never gave up. i think it is because he really did want to get to know me. he is a good guy, and when people ask me about him. thats what i tell them. and that i'm glad he is part of my family now. thanks neil

Getting so close

2007-07-25T23:12:00.000-07:00

Over the last many months i have been patiently waiting for the completion date of my condo unit. It has been delayed once since I have purchased my place.. and it has been extended twice since it has been built.

On Thursday I had a appointment to walk through the place, so i brought many people to come with me. I had my parents come along with Neil and my sister susy. why not bring the whole family right? When we got there the developer lady told me that this check was not so much to point out every little thing in the place, but to make sure the main things were in place and functional.

What did we do? we started labelling everything we saw haha. the lady came in after and told the guy who came with us to record what we found that we weren't supposed to be doing a detailed check. They haven't even cleaned the place up yet or done their check of the place. I started smirking away and laughing inside.

we did find a lot of things that need some attention to and I made sure the big things were in the report.

The lady told me that they will give me little sticky notes when I do move in so that I can mark any place that I think is a wrong or in need of some fixing. I would then call her up and she would come over to see what i found and then deal with the problems. She explained to me that everything can't possibly be found in a 30 minute walk through. and I have to agree there. over time you will see more.

when the bigger issues are resolved, like some grout work and chaulking problems in places were water can get to, I will move in. that way i can slowly catalogue everything i want looked at.

at the present time I have the notary doing his thing to change the title ownership of my condo as well as setting money transfers up with the bank and the developer. once it goes through, the notary will contact me when things are ready to go.

I have taken liberty of getting a application started with bchydro based on myself getting possession on friday. but i don't really know if everything will be done by then. that meaning my units big fixes and the title transfer stuff. There is also the fact that the developer can not let anyone occupy the place yet until they meet the requirements for occupancy. and today they paved the front lot, which was one of their last requirements.

so things are rolling.

I've also been working on finishing the furniture that i've been refinishing. well a dresser haha. i think the color looks cool, i just want to put a finish on it now. and i need to do up the bed frame.

oh, i guess i should pack too! haha

Snubbed

2007-07-23T23:24:00.000-07:00

I hate it when people ask you how you are doing and then don't listen at all when you try to tell them or share with them. It makes you just not care or even tell people the truth. you just say what they want to hear. ya i'm fine. or good.

At church last sunday I experienced such an incident. I greeted a guy and talked to him a bit about helping me out on a sunday at street church. that was good. He then asked how i have been doing, or what was new so I started talking to him. but as I talked to him, he looked around and then just walked off. I found that totally rude and was like umm, hellooo i'm talking to you!. but of course i didn't say that. and some of these people actually wanted to greet people at the door. give me a break...

it pisses me off for sure. I like talking to the people at street church because they want to listen. and they answer questions honestly. they don't hide or fake anything. they are real and they make me want to be real right back to them.

sometimes i think people think that just asking the question is good enough. they never wanted to hear the answer. its a good reason to just stay to myself when it comes to how i'm doing. not everybody does this sort of thing, but some do and its annoying.

just asking is not good enough. if you ask, please actually listen to the person your talking to and at least look interested. being fake just makes for a fake conversation.

People do care

2007-07-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know, some of you may not. I am a co-leader of a program that our church runs to feed the people on the street in our little town of mission. We get approximately 60-70 people every sunday looking for something to eat. We give them food and a ear to talk to when they want to. I've made so many street friends and am often flabbergasted as to how much of an impact i've made in some of their lives. by me just being me.

Having not being down there for over a month, i was feeling like my being there wouldn't make much of a difference. But i was surprised at the response of my street friends when i did walk into the door late with a pot of mashed potatoes. I had guys asking where i have been. so i'd tell them and they would be so happy for me. i told some of them that i was moving soon and they told me that they hoped i stick around and keep coming down to hang with them. i told them that i'm still going to come down and they were happy about that. I took the time to walk around and see how some people were doing. i'd walk by someone and their eyes would light up, or they would say hi in a very friendly way. so i stood and talked to them for a while to see how they are doing.

I did feel a little bad. well not really! the rest of the team was serving food, and i was standing alongside people who were lined up to get food chatting with them. or i was kneeling beside others as they ate and talked to me.

There was a time when I was talking to a girl who i met a while ago. she was addicted to some sort of drug. she told me proudly today that she is 18 days clean. I congratulated her about that. she then told me that she quit because she wanted to clean up since she has a baby on the way. she was pregant. again i told her that was so cool. she introduced me to a guy she told me would be the father. so i met him. when i did, another guy at the table shouted out "that James guy is a good guy", refering to me. I smiled and joked that i was 10 minutes late showing up today. he laughed and said it was alright and that he will let me off this time.

I talked to another guy who has been having a hard time the last while. he told me about all the opportunities that he has had placed in his lap this last while. opportunites to help those who are addicted to meth. he has been asked by different places to speak about his life and how he has overcome such addictions. his life experience of the whole thing. he seemed amazed that he was able to help. i told him that he was making a difference.

I also talked to another guy who was down. he lost his brother and was very sad about that. I tried to learn more about his brother. apparently I met him at one time. and i'm sure i have, but its hard to remember sometimes. his brother died recently and he was taking it rough. He started to tear up but he refused to cry. then he told me that he had to go for a walk. so i said ok and i gave him a hug. he thanked me and he left.

there was another guy that was so pissed off about how another organization treated them when they served food to them that he had to talk to the head honcho. that was me. barb quickly said that when the guy insisted he had to talk to the head person and that it was not a joke. so i stood and listenned to the guy rant away. afterwards he walked away and some of the other team members asked me if my ear was on fire or burnt. i'm a pretty patient guy i told them, and told them that he must of just wanted to rant for a bit. so i was there to listen.

we are not part of that other organization so there wasn't much i could do about the problem he felt he was facing.

later on he came back to me to talk to me again, right up in my face. i politely listenned and basically inquired as to what he wanted to happen. he basically wanted our door open more often. i explained to him that at this time it is not feasable and that volunteers and donations would really need to increase. I told him that we are all for it, but at this time we cannot accomplish such a task. I told him that it takes time. he seemed to calm down and understand what i was saying to him. as he walked away I told him my name, and he told me his and i shook his hand. I hope that I showed him the respect that he was looking for and was able to be the person he wanted to talk to.

so ya, i guess I do make a difference too. and people miss me too.

Its looking better now

2007-07-21T18:01:00.000-07:00

so i put another coat of stain on. its showing some grains too. i like what it looks like so far. next i have to do the other side panel of the dresser, then maybe put a finish on it.

next on my list is to do my queen bed frame i was given by susy and neil.

I've even started looking for things i need to do neils christmas gift this year! its going to be the best gift ever! Our christmas gift rules this year is to build something out of wood. last year we had to find something and then make something out of it.

Getting Excited

2007-07-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

but i'm also getting nervous.

I'm sure I have plenty of money saved up to pay the notary and my share of the taxes for the year. but i still find myself laying the costs out and looking at what I have. i've been transfering money around to a account i have cheques for right now too.

On monday i'm doing my walk through after work at 5pm. this is where I will point out problems that I see. It has always been my intention to bring a crowd with me so that I have extra eyes on this day. and thats what i'm doing. I have my mom, dad and maybe susy if she still wants to come. i don't know if she is still on her trip on the island with neil.

I'm thinking about what insurance i will need. I THINK I need content insurance and that the strata fees cover building insurance. but i need to find out about that. I know my buddy just pays content insurance at his place. his comes to like 290 a year or something silly like that for like 20-30k coverage or something. if i had a bbq, i'd need fire insurance most likely. i'm going to find out.

so ya. thinking about insurance. i tried to get the week after i get possession, but my boss said no. someone else booked that week off already. ugh!

I am waiting right now about setting up my hydro account because i want to make sure i will be moving in. i know my completion date is july 26th. and the notary office did phone me to set stuff up and ask for information. so quantum properties must have contacted them because i never did. i'm sure they are getting tired of holding the property in their name and taking on the costs haha. cable and internet will need to be turned on too. but that shouldn't take too long. its all setup, its just a matter of them setting up a account for me and flicking a switch.

then there is whether i'm going to need a HD receiver. i'm not too sure what kind of tv i'm getting in the deal. anything will work for me. i'm not picky to start really. 42" plasma is huge and i'm going to be happy with it.

I should have a few thousand bucks left over. like i said, i have quite a bit saved for the costs i will incur. probably way more than i actually will need. if i do have extra, i'll put asside some for backup mortgage payments. maybe i'll get the washer dryer stacker.. i'm not sure yet. or a couch. i need to wait and see where i sit after i pay and sign.

there will be a strata fee too i'm sure of 92 bucks. i always like to be on the safe side when it comes to keeping expenses paid. who knows how long i'll be able to manage myself this way and keep helping others at the same time whie i'm on my own.

i'm pretty creative though. so i think i'll manage.

i am very excited though. its sooo close! monday the walk through. wednesday i will probably meet with the notary to go over some stuff. thursday completion and probably signing. friday i may get the keys.

i don't like being in the dark on some things. but it will work out. i'm positive.

Things are in motion again

2007-07-19T22:13:00.001-07:00

sooo. today at lunch i looked at my phone and had a missed call. whoa! so i checked who it was and it was the notary office that i'm going through to do my purchase transaction of my place. sweet!

I listen to the message and they ask that I call them back because they require some additional information. so i call them up after i eat and the lady tells me that they need a copy of my purchase contract. i asked if i can just fax it over and they confirmed. so i get home and fax over the 11 page document. i should have faxed it off from work!! 11 bucks later it arrives.

later in the day i received another call from the office saying they recieved the contract and just wanted to verify a few things on it. they basically went through asking if it was correct on the contract. purchase price. deposit. and so on. ya, ya thats right. its on the document like that! and if i'm a first time home buyer. ya i am.

they ask for my whole legal name, so i give it to them. this is for placing on the land title and asked if anyone else would be on it too. nope. just me i say. and then they ask for my social insurance number. so i rattle that off and she says thank you. The paperwork will be done a few days before your completion date. we will give you a call then and schedule a time to come in and sign some papers.

ok i say. and hang up.

so i'm a little closer now. on monday i am walking through my place to make sure everything meets my satisfaction. i'm bringing a bunch of extra eyes to check things out ;P so i don't miss something if anything gets missed.

my buddy at work was telling me he wants to come by when i move my stuff in so he can help and see the place. so i'll have to invite him over on the day. he is a good guy. we realized today though that we are getting pretty old and have almost known eachother for a decade. noo way! through work.

ummm

2007-07-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

Today at work I started thinking about something that happened to me at the wedding. I ended up getting a baby passed to me to hold. she could hold her head up so i was fine with that. and she seemed to have a strong grip. i would smile at her and she would smile back. usually she would rest up against my arm. and then she said. daa daa twice. i looked around and thought, i'm not daa da, where is daa da.

later i thought about how it would have been so funny if that were her first words. i highly doubt that though. she is 6 months old as far as i know. she must have said something by now.

then i passed the baby along haha.

I'm tired!

2007-07-16T01:32:00.000-07:00

man, just helping with setup at a wedding is tiring. i would leave work, and go straight to tradex to help neil out. what are brothers for right? then i kept pestering my boss for the whole week off. but he wouldn't give it all to me. we worked it out that i'd get 2 days off. but i kept trying to get more days. but nope. it didn't work. just the two.

but it worked out. and i think it looked pretty awesome. good job neil.

at the gift openning we had an adult sized bouncy castle. umm. my elbows have burns on them. my knees. i'm a walking sore patch now. good thing i have to wake up in 5 and a half hours for work!

I got to meet some people. i was a usher with another girl nicole. a sister of one of neils sisters husband or something like that. she was pretty cool though. neither of us have ever been ushers, she was just going to follow my lead. oh great! just after everyone was seated, the photographer was snapping pictures and she asked if she could walk me down. so the guy had us walk down slowly as he took a picture. i was like. umm ok. it worked out great though. although we did forget the guest sign-in from the ceremony and a table cloth, and chair covers. but oh well!

i think it will be neat to see the pictures the photographers took.

i have never really seen anyone get drunk before. so it was kind of my first experience at that. it was pretty interesting to watch. good thing i drove one of my cousins back to our place where he was staying for the weekend. they were all just very friendly and lovey.

time for bed. there is lots to talk about. but i'm done now.

night night

The status of my place

2007-07-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

Its coming along and when I asked the guy if the completion date for me is still July 26th, he confirmed and said yup. so we will see. The flooring is all in excepty for the carpet in the living room. the laminate and tile are in. when i was there the electrician was fiddling around with the breaker box. the granite counter tops are on. they have the microwave in. the lighting is in the kitchen. they still have work though on the bar side of the counter.

and in the bathroom as soon as i saw the installed shower head, i thought of the seinfeld episode where krammer buys a elephant shower head from the back of a truck. its huge!

oh, and here is a outside look. as you can see the gutter is not connected properly. something i will mention to them on my walk through if its still like that when i inspect the place.

and finally the back lane where the parking garage is. when we walked down the lane we met a neighbour. a neighbour who is kind of bitter of the condo being built in front of her house. her payback? she said she is going to rent her garage out to some kid band to practice in. good thing i'm practically on the other side of the building and there are city by-laws for noise.

It is coming

2007-07-03T21:18:00.001-07:00

but it isn't there yet. still not what i would like it to look like. but i'll wait until its dry. and then apply another coat if i still feel the same.

and off topic. I HATE mosquitos! they eat me alive! i have sooo many welts that i'm constantly scratching.

down to one

2007-06-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

well I am down to just my laptop for now. my desktop computer is having some problems. its been running non-stop for about 4 years now. so its bound to have some things start to break down. but i don't think i'm going to replace anything on it. its not toast yet, just some bad spots on the hard drive. thats my guess anyway. i haven't looked at it yet. some lauching applications are erroring out on start up. and its taking way too long to start up. and the sound of the hard drive makes me think its the problem. its not a big deal though.

i'll do what i can to keep it running for a while longer. i can't afford to build my next computer. when i do though, it will be a nice one. so it could get a little expensive. I even though about buying a Mac. just to say i've had one. the new Leopard operating system looks pretty cool, its not quite out yet though. some neat visual features.

the church office needs a computer too, but i don't have any extras laying around. all my extras I gave away.

oh well. i can live with just one computer for a little while. my laptop is just barely hanging in there too haha. what ever shall i do if both go down for a while!

Superman

2007-06-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

- Five for Fighting

Sometimes movies umm, make you think

2007-06-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

I saw Evan Almighty with some people yesterday and I haven't been able to stop thinking about some of the lines in it. They actually made me think. its a comedy, come on!

Evan wanted to change the world. He thought that he could do it himself by becoming a senator. He lived a postive lifestyle, everything was good and happy. it was like a fake life really. a image he wanted other people to see. heck, if you looked happy, other people would be happy. he wanted to make a name for himself. someone who would be remembered. and it nearly cost him his family. until God stepped in and convinced him to do the unthinkable. build an Ark. well, he tried to avoid it at all costs but God wouldn't have any part of it. all his followers started to mock him. even his family had a hard time believing him that God told him to build a Ark. they thought he was crazy too.

God had some words that I have started to think about more.

If you pray for courage, do you think God gives you courage? or does will God give you an opportunity to be courageous?

if you pray for love, do you think God will give you love? or will he give you the opportunity to love someone?

opportunity, i think that is a key word that i've been thinking about a lot. What I may want may not just happen, but God may give me the opportunity to shine.

God gave us a head on our shoulders. he isn't going to hand feed us everything we ask for. he will give us choices and opportunities. its up to us to move from there.

see, even comedys are informative and thought provoking.

on a side not, i liked the ARK definition in the movie (A Random act of Kindness). that Coke commercial fits perfectly in here too kind of. "Give a little love and it all comes back to you..." you can change the world one step at a time by the way you act towards one another.

go see the movie. its hilarious. or i thought so anyway. I laughed a lot when i started seeing pairs of animals showing up in the show.

My current little project

2007-06-25T18:22:00.001-07:00

Here is a hand me down dresser of my sisters that I am currently working to restore to a color of my choice. At this stage I am stripping the finish off. then I will sand it up and stain it the color i picked. I will post pictures of my progress.

Oh, and look. my sister did hate me at one point in her life!! :) i showed susy already haha.

Here is kind of the before look. this is after i sanded it up a bit before applying the stripper. I put some of the old handles back on it to see the before look ;)

what else can i do?

2007-06-24T19:09:00.000-07:00

After cleaning up at street church, we all locked up the office and headed off. but i noticed this lady barely able to stand. she was with a guy helping her keep her balance. sooo. what do i do? i turn my car off and go walk over to see whats wrong and what i could do to help.

The guy explained to me that this lady has a tumor in the back of her head/neck area. and when it gets inflamed, it causes all kinds of problems. I asked if there is much they can do about it and he mentioned surgery, but the lady doesn't like to stay in the hospital.

so, i let her call the numbers she had. she didn't get a answer for 2 of them, but the last one she was able to talk to someone. and she arranged to get picked up on 5th and dunsmuir. not too far from where I live. so i took them up there and told them that if they needed anything, I was a few doors down. they thanked me, and the lady kept saying sorry. i kept telling her, don't be sorry. you didn't do anything to be sorry about. when i pulled into the driveway, i looked down the street to see them standing there. all of a sudden it started pouring rain. so i went inside, grabbed my umbrella and ran it down the road to them. the lady was like, your such a sweet heart. most people would drive right by, but you came over. I told her that I saw she was in trouble so i came to help. then told her to keep the umbrella.

I told them that if they needed anything or if the person didn't show up to just come knock at the door and i will take them directly to the hospital. the guy kept telling me that they will be fine. and thanked me.

so now i sit here, looking at the pouring rain. knowing that she should be in the hospital, but also frustrated because they didn't want me to take them there.

maybe they will knock at the door. they know where to find me. however i just checked a few minutes ago and they were not at the corner anymore. so maybe the ride she called showed up.

I hope so. please pray for her. Mary i think was her name. his and her name were very close. its hard for me to remember. I am going to pray that she goes to the hospital.

i wish i could do more...

Small can be workable

2007-06-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

While unloading a truck load of stuff out of the moving truck into carolyns new place, I got to see how much stuff actually fits into a smaller place. without making it look cluttered. it was a long day, but i was happy to help out.

Her landlords are pretty nice too. the guy was building a humane squirrel trap from scratch. it was interesting seeing how he built it. now i know how and I can build one myself! all i need is a chunk of tin for the door and bait platform, a board for a base, metal salad tongs that i can cut up, a piece of string, a nail, and wire mesh. ta da

its going to be fun arranging furniture when I move. I still need to strip, sand and stain a dresser and a bed frame that i was given. its fun changing things or picturing how to lay stuff out. or if I actually had a place to make changes, I would like the part of figuring out what I could do to make it better. i was talking to peter a little bit about that stuff on the way back to mission.

i almost scored some bar stools to buy, but i think carolyn can use them with a smaller table like her and peter talked about. it was kind of funny though. peter mentioned to me before that when you help people move, sometimes thats when you gain extra things yourself. i chuckled about that.

I'm always thinking about how small my place will be. but i guess small doesn't have to look small. you just have to keep that in mind when you bring stuff in. work with the space you have.

To leave or not to leave

2007-06-20T20:07:00.001-07:00

that is a question in my head now too regarding New Heights. Sometimes it feels like its time to let it go. to move on. besides, i am moving accross the river soon.

that would mean leaving the street church ministry as well. and leaving barb on her own. she is very capable and is doing a awesome job. she is a good outgoing leader.

but if i leave, i will lose contact with some friends most likely. friendships i'd like to keep.

I asked myself. so if i left church, what would I do? I thought about maybe joining a different church in abby and maybe possibly start a "street church" there if it made sense. or maybe join a self defense/martial arts class. or maybe use the extra time to persue other interests.

the sucky part about leaving street ministry would be leaving the people that i've built relationships with down there. but i'm sure they would relate to the other team members just fine.

the most important thing though i think is to try to stay in contact with my closer friends. or friends that were once close.

or maybe i'd join a gym. umm, ya right.

i haven't decided on anything yet though. in some ways it seems like its how things should work since things are changing a lot now anyway. what am i going to do...

i don't know yet.

Where am I sitting?

2007-06-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

Susy was over yesterday showing the seating arrangements for everyone. i saw that I was sitting with a couple very vocal aunts. i said immediately, umm they are going to keep asking me when I'm going to get married.

susy helped me out though. she told me that I should just say. "i'm gay" and she assured me that by saying that, it will end the whole when is my turn thing. i'm thinking about trying it out at the wedding too if i'm asked by my aunts.

Browsing

2007-06-16T23:18:00.000-07:00

sigh. didn't realize the dresser was partical board with laminate on it. oh well. i can do the bed frame still.

was looking at washer dryer combos today too. the sales guy showed us a combo for 1600 with the bracket to fasten them together if i remember correctly. it was larger than the other stackers they had. and they didn't look stackable, but they were. and they were larger than the others. best value for the money the guy said. Kenmore HE2 front loading for both washer and dryer.

I also looked at some bar stools. i was trying to see the colors they come in so i could match a stain pretty close anyway. it won't be perfect. but will be good enough to start. it was funny though. i had my mom with me. and we were looking at some dark stains. blackish looking, or really deep brown/black. my favorite one they didn't have a can of. i was looking at them and pointed things about some i liked and some i didn't. then i turned to my mom and said, well i don't know how i can see this stuff, especially for matching colors. i'm kind of color blind.

we even strolled into a sears furniture store. i layed on some beds :) and i even sat in a few couches. leather couches. i love them. but they have to be just right. poofy, but not too much. soft, but not too soft. and not hard. it has to be comfortable to sit, and lay down. man its going to be a challenge. this was just one store. some looked too old personish i told my mom. that one is too flat looking. i don't like how there is a dirt trap on that one.

I even looked at small tables. round and square. but i won't go there until i see how things layout in the place.

All i did was look though. i won't be able to furnish the place until i am there and initial costs are taken care of. it will be a interesting and exciting first couple years i think.

too bad i'm not getting married haha, i could get all kinds of free stuff. i'll have to look at what i have again and make another list for myself. i wanna go ikea looking too sometime. i like looking at the stuff and dreaming right now.

it will be a reality though. i'm confident of that.

Soo

2007-06-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

things are getting closer for me to move. I've been accumulating a few new things. Susy and Neil moved next door to their other place and when they moved they bought a new bed frame and got rid of a dresser. so I took them. I now have a queen size bed frame. no boxspring is required according to neil since it has those slats to support the matress. I'll have to get a mattress later on. until then i'll sleep on the futton in the living room ;) once i get everything setup that is.

July 26th is the tentative completion date now. so I am going go back at the end of june to see how things are going and find out when they will be done. maybe they will have a better idea.

so now I have the bed frame and a dresser. what i am going to do is strip, sand, stain and then varnish those pieces to be the right color as the chairs i am going to put at the bar style counter. i don't want a whole different kind of furniture colors. so if i can change it to work together, i'll do that. my huge computer desk though I will not be able to chage the color of. it has that arborite kind of finish. but it shouldn't matter much. its in a totally different room. as long as it fits! haha i'll have to bring a tape measure with me next time to get some rough measurements. i might have to buy a new desk. but i won't go there until i need to.

Sebastian

2007-06-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple pictures of Liz, Morgan, Matt and Beckas new little puppy. He is a pretty spunky little guy. lots of energy. I had fun racing around their house having him chase me and bark and growl.

I love animals. Dogs in particular. cats are ok, but they like to bite and scratch at me. well Julius does and Mikey (two of the fields cats).

A what?

2007-06-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

green aligators and long neck geese
some humpty back camels and some chimpansies
some cats and rats and elephants but sure as youre born
the loveliest of them all was the unicorn

I was working away at work and then all of a sudden i started singing this song in my head. Its by the Irish Rovers. The irish rovers were one of my grandmas favorite bands. she took us to a concert one time at the agri fair when we were younger.

Its weird though. I'm going through all this crap in my head and then all of a sudden i remember a song that my grandma used to love. she would play it over and over and over again. well the tapes she had. It made me think about how she was and how she loved everyone unconditionally. I looked up to her a lot and even try to live like she did with love. in some ways i kind of wish it was her reminding me.

i'm glad i remembered that song because i needed to be reminded of how my grandma lived. she was a awesome example of love. she is my hero.

i miss her for sure

thats why i do what i do.

Overall

2007-06-14T23:10:00.000-07:00

life sucks.

I can't trust what I feel. I'm thinking i am not supposed to. but then i wonder how someone would ever know what to trust and what not to.

My left hip seems to give me sharp pains after i walk a long distance. (to hatzic and back with my dog). i asked for a cane for christmas from neil and my sister ;) my chiropractor a long time ago, probably a couple years ago now since i've seen him told me i should get orthodics or something. i never did. i always felt i crack and click a lot more since i started going to the chiro place. so i stopped.

My left ear is still bugging me (but thats my problem because i just don't go see a doctor) its been like this for probably a year now or close.

the wire behind my bottom teeth has broken off one of my teeth and has been like that since christmas. i didn't have dental for a while, so i just left it. i have dental now, but I haven't made a appointment. their hours suck crap, i always have to take time off work to see them. i even need my top teeth fixed up again because my guard is busted up. and i didn't have dental to get that fixed up. it all costs money. money i am saving up right now for taxes, lawyer fees for my condo. when i do have to pay it. i can't justify doing anything for myself right now.

i want to scrap my glasses too someday. but again, i can't justify spending the big bucks right now. its a lower priority.

my mom thinks i play the safe side way too much. i don't disagree with her. i am cautious. but thats only because when i haven't been, ive been burnt/hurt/or misunderstood. whatever. when things have to do with me, i can do without. if someone else needs something, i will do whatever i can to assist/supoprt/or help them.

I can't decide what I want to do for a living. my buddy wants me to try and be a correctional officer after he gets in. he says he will refer me if i want. he isn't in though ;) but he has a reference from a supervisor.

I don't want to spend a ton of money and years on schooling because i'm getting too old now. i want something with flexible hours, and good pay. lol but i am willing to spend to succeed.

i think i fit the nice guy finishes last phrase perfectly haha

My weight was going down for a while, but i managed to start to bring it up again.

I think having a kid would be awesome, but I don't believe i will have the chance. Its ok though, i don't need kids. Maybe pets are my thing.

i often feel alone or feel like a spare tire. especially when everyone else around me is happy with their 'friend'. but i'm happy they are happy, or i'd be sad. try to figure that one out.

I hate watching everyone who ever has been close to me or is close leave. its basically a fact that it will happen in my life. they either drift away, leave, or die.

I often wonder why things are like a roller coaster for me now ever since God was introduced into my life. there have been a lot of sad things. but also a lot of good. the sad is just easier to spot.

i don't always understand why i do what I do for people and families. and i hate it when people boast about what I have done or given away. i'd rather it be quiet, people don't need to know what i did.

i'm getting tired, so i have to go to bed.

An Idea

2007-06-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

So currently my place looks like this:

I couldn't really get too many good pictures because there were closet doors in the middle of the living/dining room blocking stuff.

in the end though, the show room is the same color scheme as mine.

it is definitely small, but i'm still looking forward to it.

Fishing ...

2007-06-04T23:10:00.000-07:00

Matt called me after work today to see if i was busy. nope, not busy today Matt. he wanted to hang out and do something. he suggested fishing. I told him that we could go, but i can't fish because i don't have a license. he was ok with that. i quickly checked rules and regulations on the internet to see the youth exception clause. i wanted to make sure he was at a age where he didn't need one. he is good for a while haha

I haven't fished for nearly 20 years. the last time was with my dad when i was probably 7 years old. well i guess i went once with my uncle. i remember he broke my rod haha trying to unstag it. I even have a cousin who owns a trout farm called Silverbrook U-Catch. you would think i would have fished there since you don't need a license there. but nope.

I didn't really know where to go, so i said. why not Mill Lake. haha why not. i've seen people fishing there before. Matt had this fishing rod that shot a capsole out into the water with the line. when it hit the water, it would open up and the line would drop out the bottom with a hook. we had on lookers saying, i need one of those! haha Matt didn't catch anything, but we were beside a guy who cause about 4 and let them go. we didn't have bait though. Later i found out it is stocked with trout.

I told matt that if we did catch one and he wanted to keep it, we would have to smack it over the head to kill it. he didn't think we had to. i think its best to put it out fast instead of let it die slowly. I know my cousin has to kill every fish someone catches at his farm. its part of the rules of running his fish farm. you pay by the length of the fish at his place. if you catch nothing, you pay nothing.

becka wanted to come too, but it didn't quite work out that way. there is always next time.

so i guess i'm going to have to get a crash course in fishing from my dad haha. just incase we actually catch one sometime.

it was neat though watching. matt wants me to get a license. but i'm not sure i will fish too much. but who knows. matt has suggested to me already that we could make this a weekly thing. i told him we will see.

it was fun though. i like seeing him do something he enjoys.

The reason why i do what i do

2007-06-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

I love it when I am reminded why I do what I do down at street church. I had a few awesome encounters today that gave me a good feeling. the feeling of building relationships with my family down town.

The first encounter was when I was walking down to the church office to start the coffee. As I walked, I heard my name "hey james!" and a guy smiling and waving away. I smiled and waved back. when I saw him at the church office about a hour later, he came up to me and said "i knew you were going down to start the coffee". i laughed and said, yup thats what i was doing and we chatted for a little while. this guy wasn't coming for a while, but came back he says to bug me. haha. he is one of our biggest coffee drinkers ;) and i always have the coffee ready to drink by 5pm. he smirks when it isn't on "time". we kid back and forth, its cool.

The next encounter was when I had a guy come up to me to say he needed to talk. He told me about how another guy mentioned that he should talk to me. so i asked him what he needed and he explained. he was looking for a tent so that he could camp out at a campsite for about 200 bucks a month to save on renting a different place. currently he is staying with another guy. I told him that I had a tent in the back of my car, just a 2-4 man dome tent in fair condition. so we walked out to see it. but apparently i guess I gave it away to someone else. damn! i thought. i told him about another tent i had, but I wasn't going to give that one up. its a 7-8 man 2 room tent. he told me that he is even willing to buy one. but it old him i will see what i can do about finding one for him. a tent and a tarp to go over it to shade it. we will see what i can turn up with. i got his number so i can call him up during the week. i thought it was neat to be a guy people came up to to ask for help or just to talk.

my next encounter was so cool. I met a guy who fought in the Vietnam war for Russia. He came up to just talk to me and told me that he was in a plane accident recently. he couldn't walk for a bit, but is now walking again. i was curious how it happened and stuff. so he told me about it. and then he got into how he fought in the vietnam war. he flew russian migs. and he told me how he got shot in the air too. he was very happy to show me his shot up leg. and yes, something entered his leg for sure. he told me about different missions he went on. about being captured and escaping. about underground landing strips where fake trees would hide where the migs flew out of. some of it may have been far fetched, or true. i didn't really care though. I just wanted to hear the stories. he was so into telling them to me. He really caught my attention when he told me he was from Hungary! Hungary! that is where my moms parents came from! so cool. he had a pretty tough accent to understand everything he said pefectly, but it made for a cool experience. I loved hearing about his war stories. and i'm sure he was really into telling me about them. he said he is going to come back next time. i've never seen him before, but was glad to meet him. so i think i'm going to stop by, just to hear more stories next sunday!

I also talked with another guy who hasn't been around for as long time. he asked about Art and I had to tell him Art wasn't part of new heights. and that I thought he was part of Station X on mondays. i have never met Art though, so i wasn't too sure about that. he told me that he worked at the VIP soap factory and also that he was a artist. i asked him if he could show me some stuff and he did. I asked him if his drawings meant something. cause some were native like stuff you see on totem poles and that. usually they have some meaning to them. he told me that its what the person wants it to be to them. if it helps someone, then he is happy. i kind of said, "everyone sees things in a different perspective". and he agreed and said, thats how i draw.

I met so many other people too. I even talked to Peter from the Giddian organization for a while. he is a pretty interesting guy too. i didn't have a whole lot of extra jobs for everyone to do because I had so many helpers tonight. but he didn't mind. he hung out with the people and observed.

its also cool how companies are donating food to us. we have Goodies and stuff from starbucks every sunday. we just have to pick it up sundays. and now we have Spurs giving us buffet extras after they have their lunch buffet. its still in the working, and we need to get a fixed contact. but things are going good. and i am excited.

afterwards, i met a young guy who was helping clean up. samantha told me that he was a good guy who comes to station X on mondays. well i invited him to church and told him about the new heights youth wednesdays too at the office. at the end of the night, i invited DAvid to come along with us when we went to get something to eat. david told me how he didn't hafve money right hnow, i told him. don't worry about it, i can buy yours. he smiled and thanked me so much. i just noticed how he was hanging around until the very end helping us. and then just wandered off. so i pulled around and found him to invite him with us. he was happy, and so was I. I like to make people feel welcome.

Your old when ...

2007-05-30T17:37:00.001-07:00

Your buddy working beside you starts laughing and says that he has known you for roughly twice the amount of years until you turn 30. (6yrs) and then states that your 10 year highschool reunion is next year.

the whole 30 years old thing came up because we were takling about marriages and kids. and risks at that age. i don't remember how it started either. I think i mentioned how a lot more couples seem to be having kids at a later age now. and how some people wait until getting married. some jump in. my buddy and his wife dated/knew eachother for 4 years before they got married. I think they have been married for like 4 years now.

there was other stuff we talked about too. i guess we were just trying to pass the time as we somewhat worked. it was stinking hot today.

what do you say?

2007-05-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

At work today I was working with a young guy. he is pretty slim and tall. anyway. he turned to me and commented about my arms. he says, "I don't understand". what don't you understand i said. "how come your arms are so big and everything when you eat at mcdonalds practically every day. I just don't understand why your arms are so much larger than mine when i go to the gym every morning." My arms are big? I thought they were normal for my body stature. I said to him, well i do throw bricks away every day, maybe that has something to do with it. and as for fast food, i grew up eating it so I guess i'm just used to it. "how come your not fat? it just doesn't make any sense." he says.

no sicky comments please...

a sign

2007-05-28T16:43:00.000-07:00

I saw this on a sign yesterday:

"You can't test courage cautiously."

The Weekend with the Kids

2007-05-25T07:56:00.000-07:00

I'm still here, but i'm a little sick now too. and i don't know where i got it from.

anyway, here we go.

The day before the sleepover I went shopping for snacks and stuff to take with us on our trip to the aquarium. I picked up some apples, carrot sticks with dip, water (some i kept frozen to keep everything else cold in my packsack), crackers, cheese strings, and some fruit gummies. I wanted to be prepared.

Friday night. We order in pizza and the delivery guy drives right past the house. he drives into the driveway, then to the neighbours. and then back again. so we flag him down so that he knew he was at the right house. The guy tells me that I have my house numbers in a bad place, they camoflauge with the wrap around the house. Yea, well the numbers are up there and you are here now. Becka pays with Lizs cash she left for the pizza.

We start eating pizza as we played trivia pursuit. each time we get a question right and andrew thought of the same answer, he would say "you read my mind!". I'm that good i suppose. But then andrew started holding his tummy and groaning. are you ok andrew? he shakes his head no and runs to the bathroom to puke. he comes back and says he is better now. so I tried to have him eat crackers instead and to take a drink. he was doing good now. then he decided to take a bite of pizza again. umm. it didn't work. again to the bathroom he went. I was thinking, oh man a sick kid the first day. How do I know what to do to take care of the little guy when I fight through sicknesses myself. i only take something if i have to.

Becka kept bringing up giving him childrens gravol. I was hesitant because I knew if he went to sleep he would probably forget about it. I asked the kids how old andrew was and they said 7. on the box it said 2 tablets, but i decided to give him one because he was small. I then had andrew lay on the couch and I asked where i could find blankets for andrew. I tried to have andrew go brush his teeth, but he was too groggy i guess. I didn't want the puke taste in his mouth, especially the stomach acids. but he wouldn't get up, so i let him just go to sleep.

Matt, Becka and i watched a movie and prepared where we were going to sleep. I told them I really needed to get some sleep so that I could drive in the morning. At first matt was going to sleep on the same couch as andrew, but he later realized it wouldn't be that comfy balled up. he was going to go to his room, but he didn't want to leave andrew alone in the living room. becka was the same way. and then they told me i should sleep in the living room too. i did eventually cave in and slept on the floor too.

there were some good snorers. I am one of them sometimes if i am not sleeping on my stomach.

Morning came (saturday) and I was tackled. it seemed to be a morning event. a little wrestling. well not all the time. matt and andrew would pretend they are a worm or something and eat up all the stuff in their sight. after that it was time for breakfast. Ok, so now that you understand. when I wake up every morning i usually go out, or grab a box of cookies and eat them as i'm leaving. I don't make a lot of breakfast.

They all wanted frech toast. what the heck, it can't be that hard ;) becka starts cracking eggs and grabs the bread. we mix up the eggs and plop a piece of bread in. well i guess we should have greesed the pan or something because it turned out horrible. so we scrapped that idea and went for the pancake mix and the waffle iron. much simpler. the first waffle didn't turn out too well, but the rest were pretty good. i thought anyway. we did scramble the rest of the egg mix, but we got varying opinions. they need to be darker. ok....

I then started cleaning all the dishes. you don't have to do that james, mom will. no, i will do it guys. or you can do it later. nope, i will do it now. It is amazing how many dishes kids go through, just for breakfast! Liz would always say in different emails when we would chat back and forth that she had to go because she needed to clean the kitchen. i used to think, how dirty could it possibly get when she just cleaned it a while ago. well, its definitely true.

I gathered up the stuff I brought for the trip and put it all the my carry pack. it was time to go. we were set to meet Peter and Melody at mcdonalds. it was about 11:30 so i figured we could have a quick lunch too. don't worry carolyn. andrew had milk and water to drink, no pop. when we met mel and peter, we ate lunch and then matt and andrew decided they wanted to ride in with peter and mel. i asked peter if that was alright and he said ya sure. becka said she would ride in with me. so i gave the booster seat to Peter and off we went. I followed Peter in because I don't drive into Vancouver very often. i can do it, if i follow a map. :) and i had maps, but having peter was handy too. we only had to make one bathroom stop on the way in.

It was cool talking to becka on the way in. She talked a lot about her time at Johnson lake with the family. and we talked about a place where there were animals. later we realized it was the same place. the Vancouver Zoo. I was trying to find out where her and matt have been before. she went on a class trip one time to the zoo i believe. thats when she was younger.

Becka and I gazed up at the skyscrapers as we drove by them. I always like looking up at them. I remembver when i was a kid and I was in the back of my dads pickup truck. we had a canopy on it and we were laying on foam matts in the back. it sure doesn't sound safe, but we had fun! we would stare up at the buildings and point to them and yell to eachother. my sister and I that is. we used to also create forts in the back box with all the cushions we had. times have sure changed, thats for sure. I don't really think you would see kids laying in the back o fa truck anymore, unless you were in somewhere like umm, Amparo - Costa Rica.

When we arrived I grabbed my pack and peter commented on it. ya i wanted to be prepared. he chuckled and we all walked towards the entrance.

It was packed at the aquarium. but i think we had lots of fun. I am glad I recruited a couple more bodies to watch all the kids. Becka took some pictures with my phone, but it doesn't take very good pictures. its just a camera phone. too bad i didn't have my camera there too.

And then it was time to go home. well we decided we would eat at Whitespot in Mission. Nobody wanted to leave, but I kept the group moving. lets go guys and eat. Andrew insisted we missed part of the stuff, but it was time to go. maybe another time we could see that part. We all went to the washroom and headed out. Becka rode with Mel and Peter, and andrew decided he wanted to ride with me. so we swap the booster again. and Matt came with me too.

On the way back to mission, both matt and andrew fell asleep in the back. I even got all confused in roundabouts haha. i ended up heading to aldergrove when I took a exit off the freeway. it was funny really. hey thats my cousins trout business sign. oh crap! i'm in aldergrove! so i turn around and start back again. you see, i took the wrong exit. in any event though, i was a little later arriving at whitespot with the kids in my car. it was funny though. they really changed the exit by the airport.

when we got home, well Lizs place. we watched a movie again, played some board games. we did eventually go to sleep. and then the morning we had waffles again.

it was a good weekend i think. andrew was starting to get sniffles though. and man lizs place is cold in the morning. well i wasn't too too cold. i always stay pretty warm. we adusted the heat a little bit in the morning haha.

there were lots of smiles. i like smiles. It wasnt' all smiles though. there were sibling disputes as well. but thats normal i suppose.

huh

2007-05-15T17:02:00.000-07:00

so much to think about, but all i feel like doing is sleeping. i'm resting up for the weekend i suppose.

gold

2007-05-12T21:43:00.000-07:00

well the last search for gold contest started on thursday. so far there are two clues. I decided that tommorrow after church I am going to try and visit every park in abbotsford. haha we will see how many I can see in a day and search.

if i find it and answer the skill testing question correctly, I will win 8,000. and that could come in handy.

want to guess how many parks in abbotsford??

147 that I have recorded. I just have to finish up finding addresses for each park, and then chart my routes. and ya. that stuff. The odds of me finding the prize is very slim, but i may as well give it a shot!

My fav Coke commercial

2007-05-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

so far anyway.

Looking ahead

2007-05-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, i think it was last weekend. or maybe it was the weekend before that. anyway, Susy Neil and I went over to my cousins and his girlfriends new townhouse. it was neat to see it. He always talked about it and I said ya i will see it. but never did. It was cool watching jims expression on his face when he gave us the whole tour. he was excited and I was excited for him. He made sure to point out that it isn't quite done yet and there is still work that they need to do. In a way I was kind of jealous. their wait was over and they were living in their first place.

They seemed happy. and thats cool. as I walked around I saw lots of work that still had to be done. and i thought about how they are living there already, but the workers still have to come in and finish everything up. when I looked up the wall from the bottom floor to the second floor, I saw the drywall mud. it was as if it wasn't sanded or desparately needed more coats of paint. and I thought about all the things I need to look for before i give the "ok" to my place.

I can spot a lot in other peoples places, but will i be so picky in mine? I think so, maybe too picky. they may want to throw me off the deck. i guess it depends on how much time i have to spot what i think needs to be fixed or addressed. my inspection date is still quite a way away, probably mid july. maybe i'll make it the same day as my sisters wedding!

completion has been bumped back to July 26th for me. in the contract, they can do that up to 6 months. then they will ask if i still want the place and will return my deposit if i say no.

I've been looking at prices of other places and think i paid quite a bit for my little place. it was a fool rushes in move. but i can accept that. its how i've done things in th epast and i see the pattern. my jeep, my car, relationships?, and now a condo. i'll be happy with it either way though, because it will be mine and it will be a place i can call home. if the time extension makes it to 6 months, i'm going to take my deposit and call up my friend liz to go looking. i'm not going to take it waiting that long. thats how i look at it right now anyway. I don't see them delaying that long though.

then in a couple years, when neil and susy are ready to start looking for a home, we are going to look for a place that we can all purchase together. a place that feels like two separate residences. maybe a full duplex (both sides). or maybe we could buy my parents place, rezone it and put a duplex on the two lots. but i know they want abby.

i want my parents place though haha. if they ever sell, i want to see what i would have to do to get it. see if it would even be a option for me. then do what i can with the two lots. maybe build on one lot, and sell the other lot. lots of possiblities. we will see what happens in the years to come. maybe they are going to build on the two lots.

is vista a ripoff of mac osx?

2007-05-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

the audio is a little out of sync, but i thought it was funny how the guy described the differences.

I love these commericals

2007-05-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

I can be sneaky

2007-05-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

My buddy Kevin and I were talking at work today while we worked. he stopped working and turned towards me as I worked and talked with him. I noticed our boss walking up to us and i didn't say anything. My buddy kept talking and then turned away for a second. I signalled to my boss with a hand movement saying that Kevin is talking a lot. you know, when you use your hand to flap lips?

anyway, my boss and I just started laughing and Kevin turned around and saw him standing right there. then with Kevins stunned and puzzled look he said "why didn't you tell me he was there!"

it was then I started laughing more and told him what i did when he was turned away. our boss started laughing too and mentioned that ya kevin talks a lot.

I'm fighting it

2007-05-08T17:19:00.000-07:00

For the longest time i've been fighting with my own perception of myself. I'm not that, i can't do that, in my dreams. I find i deal with things by thinking about them so much and then not doing anything. or letting things pass me by. like i'm not good enough.

I chatted with a friend on msn a couple days ago. we don't chat much, but its nice to hear their take. even if its just a little blurb. it was about how to boost my confidence. it was about me being a camp leader for a summer. this person always thought i'd be good at that. i think i'd enjoy it ya, it would probably take a little time getting into things.

for a while now, i've been considering a job where i have to get out there to make money. something a little tougher than just working 8 hours and going home. something where I would feel proud of myself. self satisfaction for work done well. something where i would have to meet people.

I am capable of doing such things, i know i am.

i've even thought about taking a few courses while i'm working where I am for a bit. see where it takes me. and keep my mind active, rather than full of dust haha

on sunday we had one of our first meetings for street church. susan was passing the torch to a new leadership team consisting of Barb and myself. Barb is a good talker, so she did most of it. but i found myself putting my comments in there too and such. it was good i thought. i knew what we were presenting, because barb and I met a couple other times before then. i'm so glad she is on the same page as me. her and her husband are so organized too and that makes things way easier. we share very similar ideas and views of where we would like to see street church head. and i'm excited about it. presently we are trying to get all the teams on the same page with some sort of consistency among them all.

its different being one of the goto people. i had one guy from the street come down and he came right up to me and said. hey James. i just thought i'd come back down to bug you some again. haha. i told him he is always welcome, and he responded with, ya i know and he smiled and grabbed his coffee. its neat being recognized and encouraged by the people that come down to hang. in my prayer before dinner, i thanked God for the people he brought down. and i thanked him that he gave me the opportunity to spend time with them. I told God how they feel like family to me. then blessed them and the food. you know what. i looked up and saw a guy looking right at me. and he smiled and nodded.

it is my understanding that some of the other teams that try to pray before dinner have a hard time making everyone quiet. I never seem to have that problem really. they are all eager to pray with me and they even take their hats off. we are family.

I was walking around handing out oranges and apples and found it was way better than putting them out. There were some young teens there that night and i asked them. hey man would you like a apple. ya man, i'd love one was their response. so i pass oen over. I look up and notice another teen with his hands up. at first I thought to myself, what if he doesn't catch the apple and it hits him right in the head. then i thought. who cares, this is how i'd want a apple handed to me. so i tossed it over and he caught it. then another calls out for one, so i toss one over another direction.

I always am hesitant as to how teens will relate to me becaquse i grew up being the one who was picked on. so i still hold that fear i will be slammed in one way or another. but they were accepting because i was accepting. they respected me, i respected them. it was good.

at the end of the night, we always have people coming up to us and thanking us.

so i am trying to do things to be more confident in myself. i am stretching myself. maybe not quit as far as i could yet. but its coming. I am trying to prepare myself to be able to do a quick 5-10 minute message before dinner prayer. i wonder how that will go! it would be something like some thoughts, maybe from what i heard at church. or a situation and my take on it. something that gets them to think. and something that makes me think.

I am even trying to do more stuff. and interact a little more with friends. it doesn't happen all the time, but that is alright. i'm trying to show who i am more, and thats what matters.

confidence. Its coming ...

a little more time needed

2007-05-08T16:57:00.000-07:00

I found out today that the completion of my building is now set for the later part of July. I should be recieving a letter in the mail telling me this info soon enough.

one neat thing though is that they will have a show unit completed and open May 12th

Does this video bring back memories?

2007-05-06T20:56:00.001-07:00

good night

2007-05-04T03:03:00.000-07:00

well, the movie was pretty cool. some neat special effects. and it had quite a bit of humor in it.

bop

time for bed.

Spiderman 3

2007-05-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

So Aaron, Tysey and I are going to the first showing of spiderman at 12am. and ya i work tommorrow morning too. I'm sure not going to get a whole lot of sleep. I told my boss and he started laughing at me haha. he said, what you are going to be slower than you are today??

he likes to bug me. but it makes it fun at work. I but him back all day long.

the movie better be good. i'm looking forward to seeing what kind of people show up and their costumes. that will be one of the best parts of it all!

2007-04-30T23:58:00.001-07:00

2007-04-28T23:59:00.000-07:00

I decided to delete all my past posts from my goudiefamily server space. I still have some out there through blogspot blogger, but thats fine.

I kind of looked at how i use blogger and its features and I think i use it more as a personal journal than anything else. I am starting to think that stuff should be what it is, personal. so onto a new chapter i go. i think if i do post again and i'm sure i will, it will be exciting fun stuff. nothing in my head. if you want to know whats going on in my head, you have to ask me and i have to be comfortable enough to share. otherwise, ya i'm fine.

so have a great life peoples.

Planning

2007-04-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

Guess what i did today? I drew up the rough layout of my condo from the diagram on the computer. then i placed different furniture and appliances in using a program called SmartDraw. it was actually fairly fun. I got to kind of picture how it could look and get a feel for how much usable space there would be. its neat.

I've have also been trying to think ahead to what I will need to do before I get the keys. Hydro, cable, internet i've looked into already. what is involved in opening each account. how much time i need to give them to turn the power on. as it is right now, i need to find out the completion date again. then i can set a few things up ahead of time.

My buddy kevin and his wife are going to be closing soon on their place. so i am eager to hear what goes on and how it goes with them. Maybe i should set up a appointment or coffee time with my friend Liz to go over what i have to look forward to. what i am to expect. that sort of thing. I have a good idea what is going to happen, but its nice to hear from another source too. My mortgage lady did inform me of quite a bit of the process, so i'm not going in not informed. I like to be informed going in. or at least an of what is going to happen.

I'm getting excited.

Nice day to walk

2007-04-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

I had to do something at the library so i walked down there to do some photocopies. then i decided to walk the town. I walked down main street, to the eye clinic behind dairy queen to make a appointment, then walked back down railway. The whole time i was trying to spot the regulars from street church. i ran into one person, daryl. We greeted eachother, stopped and chatted a bit. he introduced one of his nephews that was with him, Malcom. and then asked what we were having tommorrow night.

I was kind of looking for the guy i talked about in the previous post. I just glanced down the ally, i didn't go walking there this time. maybe next time i'll stroll there too and see who i can find to say hi to.

when i walked by the office, they were having a garage sale. Erin spotted me as i was passing by, but i really didn't have any interest in buying anything extra at the moment.

on the way home, i saw a cop car pull someone over. some youth packing a case of beer. a guy pissing on a wall. and a person roofing his own place.

Ring Ring

2007-04-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

On my way to Maple Ridge i received a surprising phone call. I don't get phone calls too often unless its Matt or Becka haha. so I was puzzled. and it was a private number. hmm. so i answered it and it was one of my team members from street church. She asked for my contact number when she needed to ask questions about things regarding street church. especially when i am not there.

She told me about one of the guys that attend and has been helping out relapsing. I was kind of surprised to hear what happened. she told me how she needed to tell someone and i came into mind. She started wondering if she trusts too soon. I told her that we just have to keep a little better eye on things. and not to make the guy feel unwelcome. He could turn around again. He still needs someone afterall.

How do you trust someone who screws up? Well, think about what you do and how you screw up. do you have people condemning you or just being there for you? sure when i see the guy i will ask how thigns are going. if he tells me straight up, cool. if not, maybe i have to ask some more questions. he is a good guy, he just faltered again. I won't give up on him and i will ask the team not to give up on him as well.

i've been burned a few times. I've questioned why i trust so much. all i know is that its what i do. its me. and i'm not going to stop being me.

i'll be praying for him.

a song and stuff

2007-04-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

Have you ever listenned to a song and just felt like it was telling your story? You feel like everything that happens, everything that goes wrong happens because God doesn't think your ready? You feel like you just can't measure up to what you think you should be. You have a flaw, you see it very clearly however others don't see it.

So you pray every day that you will be released. That you will be able to just let everything go and live. Live like you don't need anyone in your life.

You want to show your love everywhere you go, but fear past actions could have damaged how it is taken by the other people. you fear that you will get too caught up in it all and start to look at what you wish you had.

some guys were teasing a guy at work today, a young kid. they found a article. kind of like a dear abby. it was a guy who wrote in to ask when he would know when it is time to make the first move for the first kiss in a relationship. Later on in the article the guy talks about how he was 29 when he had his first date. and is a very shy person. I stopped reading it because well i'm 27. and it got me to thinking. Does God pick certain people to be alone and work for him? How does he know their heart can take the pain and struggles?

and why does he give everyone else what you want? what makes you the target? is it how you live? does it have nothing to do with God and what he wants for you? I can see God not giving something because he feels you need to grow more, but when does the growth end? you never stop growing.

you could go through life doing everythign you can to be who you are in Gods eyes. as far as you can tell anyway. Get so involved where you meet all kinds of people. helps and bring smiles to many peoples faces. is that going to satisfy you later? will you feel a emptyness? will you feel alone at night when you don't have all your friends around you?

i'm not saying i'm looking for anyone or even want anyone in my life. i'm just asking que4stions. what do you think? how do you know for sure you are where you are supposed to be? what makes you you? is it the person beside you? do they play a part of who you are? what if you didn't have that person? what would you feel? would you feel empty? would you be remembered?

what if you didn't have any family around? how would you feel? would you look at other people and wish you had what they had? What abouty the people on the street? do you think they question their worth? or why they are here and alive? I think they would ask the same questions I ask myself.

you can't tell me you have never asked at least some of these questions before to yourself.

I personally think these would be very hard questions to answer if i were in a different situation.

Just so you know. I don't hae any answers, just more questions. questions are easy to come up with. answers, well some are never resolved. I guess i'll know when i'm in a better place. but for now i have to live with many questions. Like the song says. Made to discover who God is and who i am. i guess its a never ending journey full of ankle breaking rocks.

we are told to leave everything at the foot of the cross, for Jesus sacrificed himself for us to wipe the slate clean. it sure is easier said than done.

this is when i'd give a hug and get a comforting message from someone. but i'm alone. i have my music and everything points to me fighting to be more. for me to live like there is no tommorrow.

I have been thinking of Amandas situation too the last while. its awesome she is doing better and talking and stuff. things looked rough to start. but she pulled through. how would i feel if i were placed into a life threating injury? i wouldn't have the baby to look at and care about. i'd have friends. friends come and go. you never really know who will stick around and be there.

i'll keep moving forward and hopfully continue to stretch myself. and never forget those who have been there before. we all have different paths in life. they won't always cross though i guess. sometimes maybe only once.

love you all.

Thoughts that just keep coming back

2007-04-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

Do you ever think about something you want to do and say, ya i need to do that. but then you evaluate it in your head and come to the conclusion that you can't do it?

I've been given so much freedom and control over what goes on down at the church office sunday nights. at least when i'm there. The people down there respect me, as far as i can tell anyway. When I speak up to quiet people down so i can pray for dinner, they quiet down. if they don't, i just shush loudly and they listen. Its like they are going to listen to me for a second or something. it feels good to know that someone wants to hear what i have to say at times. even if its just listening to me talk with God for a brief moment.

I've been having thoughts about what I want to try at the office sunday nights. I want to incorporate a short message of some sort. I could use bits i hear from church or club or even what i read at night. But in my head i don't think i'm qualified to do so. or even capable. fear handicaps me quite often. i lose my thought process and i can't think on the spot. I really am not a big talker, so its perfect for down there. i just don't know how it would go over. would they respect me enough to even listen? I guess it would depend on how i go about it. i'm starting pretty small right now. maybe its best for me to ease into it. do the prayer, and maybe add things as i go.

i think it would be cool. for myself and downtown. i'd get to share what I am thinking about in a way, which makes me think about it more. and lets me soak what I think in more.

one step at a time though

Done

2007-04-27T16:56:00.000-07:00

My car is mine. well once they receive and process the last payment.

onto the next thing. well i don't quite have it yet. still have to sign and transfer money and get the keys. oh and walk through the place to make sure the work is to my satisfaction. i wonder how picky i can be.

Whats that smell?

2007-04-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

About a week ago i was working away beside a guy at work and i smelt something. it was a odd smell for a factory and it kept reminding me of coconuts. I asked the guy if he smelt coconuts and he looked at me and laughed. I then asked him if he was eating candies at all, he was but not coconut flavor. so then i asked my buddy on the other side of me, "Hey kevin, do you smell coconuts? I smell coconuts.". he sniffed the air and said that i was crazy. I do, i do smell coconuts i responded!

so i just figured it was something different that i mistakenly thought was coconut smelling.

Then today I ended up working beside the very same guy I smelt coconuts before. I looked over at him and said: "hey, i smell coconuts again. you smell like coconuts man." he replied, you know what? my wife put a new scent in my car and I just noticed that when you told me that I smelt like coconuts before. I guess it follows me around now.

we had a laugh haha. We solved the mystery of the coconut smell! i was happy, i knew i smelt coconuts!

Thoughts

2007-04-24T00:23:00.000-07:00

Often when I have something on my mind, i start thinking about it while in bed. I then get up and start jotting things down on the computer. point form, and just ideas. Tonight I started thinking about the new beginning for what is right now called "Street Church".

I mentioned at the meeting i had with greg and my sister that barb and i have had some thoughts about changing the name. Greg was all for it. i told him how it would be like a new chapter. the meeting wasn't about this in particular, it was about a brand new website. but things came up. some neat ideas too.

anyway back to my thought process. so ya, i jott things down. ya i jump out of bed and my bed gets cold again. but its worth it. i never tell anyone or show anyone what i jot down. but today i decided i would just post a example.

street church names:

ground zero (We as a community can pick up the pieces)
Jesus asks us to take care of those in need. we are all in need at times. Jesus asks us to join together as a church. what is a church? you know what, church isn't a building. church isn't just what you do on a particular day. Church is community. A community is a family. what better way to glorify God than taking care of our family. We are family.

in a blink of an eye by news boys.

- describes how we have a purpose, we are alive for a reason. and God puts situations in our lives to push us towards what he wants for us.

Now i originally just thought of a new name "Ground Zero". no idea if it will make the cutt. but that doesn't really matter. When i thought about the name, i started to think about how Ground Zero usually refers to where some crap happened. it could also be refered to as a headquarters. a place where action takes place. we all go through crap. maybe not the same crap, but it doesn't mean we don't all hurt sometimes. hence my little phrase "We as a community can pick up the pieces"

i then started thinking about the little talk i could give down at the office. how strange for me to think of this stuff. but i actually do write up stuff to say quite often. i just never speak it.

Then as i was thinking, i was listening to music haha. and the song in a blink of an eye came on. i started to think about how each of us has a role in life. God gives each of us the ability to reach out to eachother in one way or another. we all have soemthing special about ourselves. we don't always believe we have something to offer, but its there.

so ya. i like to think, listen and jot down random thoughts quite often. today it was about what happens at the office.

i'm always thinking

2007-04-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about my last post when i said that I don't think i know what Love is. and I don't think thats true. I think i do know what love is, i just know it one way. from myself. or peoples actions.

When your down and you don't see any joy, you look over and see a bright smile looking right at you. thats love. the person took the time make eye contact and direct the smile at you. there is no intention for anything, they just saw you hurting and wanted to make you smile. if not on the outside, then on the inside.

Love is when someone never gives up on you and is there when you need someone to talk to. Love is the feeling you get when someone does something for you just because they wanted to. No real reason at all, just because. Love is giving what you have to someone who needs it, just because you wanted to help.

Love is that hug you get when you least expect it.

Uncle Herman said it best when i was at Elaines funeral/memorial. Don't be afraid to show your love. give hugs. show the people close to you how you feel. don't be ashamed. he is a wise man. its easier said then done sometimes, i know.

My sister

2007-04-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

is the best. At church we were given a piece of paper to write something on about a particular person that came to mind. Susy picked me of all people. I hope she doesn't mind, but i decided to post it cause it made me cry a little.

Jimmy,
You have such a gentle and kind heart. I may not say it very much, but I love you. I try to show you, hence the pretend punches to the gut :)

You give so much of yourself to the people you love. it is a really awesome think, and very honourable. I notice how much love you have to give to people and it makes me so proud to call you my brother. You are so special and I hope you never forget that. You are smart, caring, patient, and outgoing in yoru own quiet way. But all these reasons are not why I love you. I love you no matter what, these reasons are just a bonus. You are awesome!

I love you brother, your sister Susy.

I often think i take the back seat, but i think its by choice. Sometimes its a pitfall in my life, other times its a blessing. I have the best sister in the world. i wish i knew how to show her that more often.

I personally have a hard time with this exercise of picking someone and writing what i feel. I think i get too into what i feel which drives people away. so i just folded the paper up and put it in my coat. I don't think I know what Love is. In some ways i wish we would get onto a totally different topic.

I remember hearing a past sermon about three types of Love. i am not too sure what three they were though. i'll have to search for it. we watched a video about it, thats all i really remember.

so exciting

2007-04-22T06:53:00.000-07:00

5 more days and my car will be paid off fully! thats 16k in 5 months. ya 6k was savings, but whatever. still. its exciting. It didn't have to be paid off until april of 2009 or something like that. so a couple years early. I should have done what I have been doing from the start.

so ya, from one debt into another. but this new debt means more to me than a car. its much more expensive for sure, about 6 times more in cost. but i'm still excited.

5 days!

and i woke up bright and early at 6am, well 3am, then 6am with no congestion. wow! all i have right now is a bad cough and a slight slight headache. we will see how the day treats me.

Been thinking

2007-04-21T21:02:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about one of the stories Jesus tells his diciples and other people in the crowd. Its from Luke 8:16-18

"No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him."

When i first read that story I took it as Jesus saying that I had something to offer too. and that it isn't right to hide it away. Then I started thinking more and came to the conclusion that it can talk about how you live your life. If you never let people know that Jesus is part of your life, you don't let what he has done for you into other peoples lives. It isn't a secret and yiou shouldn't be ashamed to let people know. God knows everything, he knows us. he isn't hiding. but are we letting our lives show others who God is?

I wouldn't say I tell everyone my beliefs, but if they ask me i will tell them. I figure everyone has their own mind and they will discover what they believe on their time. It makes me think about what i just said though. I think in general, if you live with Love, you have God in your life if you want to believe it or not.

Noooooo!

2007-04-20T17:10:00.000-07:00

Well, i'm officially Sick.......

I very rarely get sick, but i managed to join the sickies. I didn't even get to watch the hockey game last night. My head was pounding, and was all stuffed up. so i took a little something and went to bed. before the game was even over. i couldn't take it anymore.

so i tried to sleep. switching sides, flopping around. putting cold parts of my blanket around my face. it was horrible! so i finally get to sleep when i suddenly wake up and race to the washroom. Blllaaaaahhhhhh. i haven't puked in probably a few years. its disgusting!

now i'm off work and i can feel a headache coming on. i'm going to take a very hot bath/shower to try to loosen some muscles in my body. especially in my neck. i also find submerging my head in hot water is soothing. who would have thought. too bad i can't breathe under water!

tommorrow, i get to work starting bright and early 6am. i was supposed to start at 6am this morning too, but i said screw it. and slept in. i figured getting sick at night and not being able to sleep well, i need to extra couple hours rest.

so ya, i'm sick. and i hate it.

Go! Canucks Go!

2007-04-18T18:24:00.000-07:00

Tommorrow (thursday) the canucks can knock out the dallas stars. woo hoo. i'm looking forward to watching the game. but i think there is one other person who is a little more excited than I am. My friend Tysey is actually going to the game with her dad. she is a dallas fan so i told that she is going to watch their final game.

but still! she is going to a playoff game. it will be fun win or lose. getting to hear the building errupt when the canucks score. or when Luongo makes a save.

maybe her and her dad will be on tv and i'll spot them in the crowd. yaaa right.

Prayer for a friend

2007-04-16T16:54:00.000-07:00

today my buddy told me that Johnny, a guy at work just stopped working for a minute and put his hand on Kevins back. he told kevin to finish up his work because he was going to leave. a little while later, he walked out the gate. this may sound like quiting. but he has been there 10+ years. and not too long ago his wife died of cancer last year. i think tumors in her head were a big part of it.

John never was the same. he always drank a lot, but that was Johnny. when his wife died he started acting a little more different. Kevin says there are some things that he knows that aren't too good about John right now. he is having a hard time right now for sure.

Johnny does have kids, but i don't think they live with him. his daughter used to stop by work sometimes, but i haven't seen her around for a long long time. kevin said that he sees her downtown abbotsford sometimes just walking around. I think the loss of his wife and their mom hit them all hard. johnny never really knew how much he loved her until sitting with her in the hospital. before that he always seemed to be in fights and stuff.

just pray for him. Kevin came to me at the end of the day and asked me to pray for him. he said that we may be the only ones praying for him right now, so it is important.

I like stories

2007-04-15T22:54:00.000-07:00

Some more Luke.

Jesus seems to do things that go against the grain often. especially when it comes to traditionalists. take for example on Sabbath. Upon further reading, i found that Jews of that day had strict rules of what could be done on the Sabbath. Jesus threw down the rules and helped those in need anyway. he didn't let traditions dictate what he could or couldn't do. He knew what was important.

I like that. he did what he had to do for the people in need and basically said, screw your rules. they are irrelivant when it comes to people and their need. I think that shows true Love for his people. It sure makes me like Jesus' way of living.

Later on Jesus picked his disciples and told a few interesting situations to prepare them. in short i would put what he says in a phrase like: you are blessed if your desperate and seeking him and live for him. but if you start to think too much of yourself, you could find yourself on the otherside of the spectrum. a place where you never thought you would find yourself. which makes sense really. anyone can falter, anyway can go from lots to nothing pretty face. it just takes unique events or situations to suddenly change anyones life for either the good or bad. Life can be unpredictable. so don't think you know all the answers.

He mentions about Loving your enemies. basically set a example to those who you are around. if you start yelling at someone over a small thing, they will start yelling back at you. but if you approach it calmly, you may find that they approach it the same way and you get a better end result. if someone starts off yelling, don't do the same thing. give them respect and act with a level head and you will get respect back. thats how i think anyway. don't get me wrong, i get upset about things sometimes. i just don't always show it.

I like what is said about judging others. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give and it will be given to you.

then later on Jesus tells a parable. i love reading the parables. little stories to explain situations. they are my favorite. Why look at what others are doing when you should be looking at yourself. what you think you see in someone else is probably right there in front of you in your own life. i tend to summarize things, but i do my best to keep the same message, just in a little different words.

there are lots of cool stories in Luke. you see this kind of stuff I can jive with. it all makes sense to me. what Jesus says fits with how I think we should live. then we get to where i guess i'm having some problems.

if i can't truely believe all of what Jesus has done with miracles i have read about, how can i bring good to people. it says: The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. and later it talks about how you need firm ground and a strogn foundation to weather any storms. wouldn't i have a weak footing if I have all these questions about what i believe? or am i still stong even though i questions stuff. susan gave me a verse from matthew the other day:

Matthew 7:8 "everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

does jesus recognize who is true at seeking him and therfore give us the words to share with others even though we may not be the strongest footing in our beliefs?

even John had to get proof or confirmation. John the baptist. the guy who was sent ahead of Jesus to prepare the way for him. John baptized Jesus and pronounced him Son of God. he wanted confirmation from his messengers. to me that makes me feel a little better. John wasn't perfect, nor am I perfect. but we can still share what is good in our hearts and what God wants us to share.

interesting

the last thign i read about before closing the book up for the hnight was the lady who kissed and poured perfume onto Jesus' feet. the lady did what she felt was right to praise Jesus whereas Simon who invited Jesus in didn't do much of anything. she didn't have much of anything but gave what was on her heart. and later was blessed for it and forgiven by Jesus.

In short, i think it means something like: if you think you have all your chickens in a row, you probably forgot how they ended up there in the first place.