Standing still

Its a curse I have. standing still. I can't even count how many times I think i've missed on opportunities or people. For a long time, I have had this mindset where I basically said screw everyone I felt didn't want anything to do with me.

There were times when I thought I was getting out of the rutt, but i just bunkered back down deeper in the end. I'm pretty deep right now. I keep everyone very far away. I do more stuff with some friends, but thats it.

I'm watching friends again rather than trying to be there for them. I don't want to mess up and lose what i've had before again.

I've come to a place where I feel like I just have to do stuff for me. I was watching ultimjate fighter (hughes vs serra) and there was a guy on the show talking about how he felt he was all alone. he had nobody. his dad died when he was young. he felt he was fighting just for himself and that he didn't feel people were there for him anymore. if he lost the fight he didn't know what he would do. fighting was his life. its all he knew and it was just his fight. he was constantly fighting himself as well in his head. I watched and was like, yup thats like me. i'm on my own.

In order to achieve some things for me, i've come up with a list of things I want to accomplish before I am 30. surprisingly finding a awesome girl is not on the list. its not in my cards and i'll be fine with that. i'm going bald anyway lol, so its over for me.

- In the spring I'm going to jump out of a plane. If i survive cool, if i don't, i'll have a rush until the splat ;)
- I am currently in the process of applying for a new career possibility. So far i'm passed the first bit.
- I am going to also pursue other avenues of interest in the search to find my perfect job.
- I want to be renting one place out and living in another before i'm 30. or something around those lines.
- I am going to try to set specific days where I can hang out with lizs kids and do stuff. as long as they are still interested. but they have to be patient while I map out my expenses and what I can budget for.
- I'm going to buy myself a christmas present this year (a washer and dryer)
- I want to be able to meet more people, so i'm considering getting into a martial arts or self defence training.
- I have also considered a weekend job, however i'd need it to be flexible in hours. the only problem with this is that usually weekends are my free time.
- I want to try to do a yearly vacation for myself.

I've been hearing lots of songs about people thanking God for what they have. I find myself wondering what he has given me. You know what though? I don't think I have really tried to seek out what he puts in front of me. I've been waiting for him to just give things to me. Everything takes work. i've been lazy in that department. I'm never going to change if i stay still. I'm never going to meet someone if i stay still. i'm never going to gain confidence if i stay where I am. i'm never going to believe in myself if i just stay still.

The biggest reason I have upset my life so much the last while is primarily because I don't want to stay still. I bought and moved. I quit street church. I stopped going to church. I hang out with susy and neil way more. I've started looking and applying to new jobs. I want a life, so i have to create it. not wait for God to just give it to me. I don't think thats really how he wants it to work. I think he wants us to work for everything.

Some people talk about how they don't believe in a God and that they only believe that they create their own destiny. You know what? that is true. they create their path. God just provides the avenues, you have to choose the path and work to make it work. your success is dependent on how hard you make it happen. my faith is rocky right now, but I think that is ok. I just have to keep pushing myself to keep moving and trying new things. Eventually the person God made me to be will be alive. I can't hide away. I have to live like nobody is watching. I have to live and not care how I feel others will look upon me. I have to be myself.

I won't change overnight. I know that. small steps. A goal at a time. one foot in front of the other. and stay open to opportunities and people which pop up in front of me.

its easy to say. i just have to make it a reality. its up to me.